10/16/2018 A Little Bit of an Emotional Breakdown

   So yesterday was a shit show. Minutes after I woke up all the way til I passed out.


   Wake up, get dressed, blah blah blah. Go to get my lunch out of the fridge (leftover pizza) and my future stepson strait up ate half of it in the middle of night. For no reason, knew it was my lunch etc. I didn't go to grab it til it was time leave so had no way to make something else.


   So, when I get in the kid I just throw it at him (gently tossed at) and all I could say is "really?" "I know." this kid is 14 all I could think is "fuck you." I was so pissed. And his mom didn't say shit to him. That is a huge isse I have really. I feel like she is inconsistent in disciplining her kids and it leads to them never fucking listening and just doing wtf they want. But that is very hard to deal with. As I've mentioned the stealing etc etc.


   Work went by quick at least, even today went by fast at least.


   When I got home I started going through all my old relics of the past. I keep a "chest" of old things friends have given me over the years, letters, sentimental things. I enjoy reading old love letters the most I think. Really highlights the fact that people are so full of shit (myself included.) You will read some of the fakest shit ever from people you really thought cared if you read over old letters. No wonder I don't trust anyone.


   Naturally after having a shitty day I started drinking. Then I was drinking while reading that shit and just the right mood I suppose. I started to feel like I was gonna hurt myself. And A: I don't wanna do that anymore. B: I can't afford to be hospitalized etc, and I would lose my job. I drank like 10 beers in 3 hours and took 7 valium and kinda blacked out. Like to the point Amanda shaved my head and I don't fucking remember it happening. Was nice surprise when I woke up though. I apologized as soon as I woke because most people are dicks when they blackout.


   Apparently I didn't do anything bad except try to shave my head and so she stopped me and did it for me (thank god.) All she told me I did beside that was cry at her and self criticize myself a lot. Could have gone worse I guess.


  Today was rough though just feeling hungover.


 Sunday after I wrote my last post I just laid in the dark under a cover for the rest of the day and getting high and being depressed af.

10/14/18 Lots of New Changes... Again.

   My parents moved out. About a week ago. Was nice to get to spend time with them. My father and I had a few heartfelt conversations and I think he is finally starting to get it. I can mostly get along with my dad now, I believe. Because I'm just old enough to not give a fuck. I just speak to him honestly and criticize him and what he did to his children growing up. You see. My dad is a lot of a bit; a narcissist. He never sees how exactly things happen. In his mind he has never done any wrong and has attacked my sister and I for feeling like he could have done a better job. He thinks too many people blame their bad habits or coping mechanism on their upbringing. But I'm just saying: Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you turn out. And my dad let us see and go through some fucked up shit as kids. Spent most my young life playing outside or stuck in my room because no one could stop doing dope long enough that the kids were allowed to watch tv etc. Jackie (my first step mother) was at least nice enough to by us kids a game consul and move the tv into our room (my sister and I shared a room til I was about 11.)


   I had a bit of a spat with Jorden, Amanda's 14 y/o son. He keeps stealing shit from our room and his sisters room and looks at me like he wants to fight me or some shit. He is so disrespectful to his mom. My real mom and my first step mom would have knocked the fuck out of me for the way he acts. Doesn't clean his room when told to do so. It took him three weeks to clean his room after Amanda found old moldy food under his bed. He really does stretch my patience but I feel bad for Amanda because there isn't much she can do. He is bi-polar and has seizures, depression, anxiety ADD, authority defiant disorder. I've been in literal tears because I feel so helpless in the situation. I try to give him advice best I can and I just really really try to stay calm when he is freaking out but sometimes its hard. My first step mom and my dad (while in differing ways) were both abusive af. So I really want physical discipline off the table. Been beat with most things you could imagine amd it causes a lot of resentment and more rebellion (or at least it did in my case.) All the other kids have generally been good.


   Amanda kinda sent up a red flag yesterday. She was using my computer and I left my email open and she saw I sent a picture to my email from my phone a few days ago. She is also aware that I send porn to my computer that way as well. After she got upset and was really shitty with me all day I asked her why and she asked if she could open my emails, to which I said no. Sorry, but people shouldn't go through each others shit IMO. If you don't trust me, leave me. But anyway, I told her they were just pics of her after she became more upset. "I haven't sent you any nudes recently" I seriously had to show her that on those dates she did in fact send me nudes and I showed her I did send them to my email. She said she was embarrassed and apologized extensively. But it reminded me of old relationships where the other person was like that. Letting it slide before is probably the reason today why I don't have many friends who are girls anymore. It scares me that this will escalate into, like before: Me not being allowed to have friends who are girls. Only time can really tell I suppose.


   I only kept the drinking promise I made on my last post for about a week. Drank almost everyday this week. Got started yesterday early and popped about 6-7 valium and was out by 11. Between that and drinking with one of my best friends the day before that I at least don't feel exhausted right now.


   My car is still dead, can't afford to even figure out what is wrong with it. So last Friday I asked for a raise. And got one. 1.50 and five personal days, paid. It's something. Though I want to get back into school soon. I really don't want to do what I do now for the rest of my life. But I guess I make enough money here and its not bad work really. I felt extremely depressed this last week til about friday. Now I feel a little better but still have this hollowing need to just lay in a spot all day and do nothing.

9/27/18

   Been a crazy week or two. Where to start? Well my parents had to move in with me two weeks ago so that kinda sidetracked the rest of life. Apparently the electric company came to clean a tree limb off the lines and somehow that was my parents doing and reported them to the city. Well turns out through some technicality something else was actually wrong (though not my parents fault) and would cost multiple thousands of dollars to fix. So essentially there was no running water and now no electricity. There was already not central air or heat but now it is unlivable. So they moved in with me.


   It has gone fairly well so far tbh. The way the place I live is set up to be like two separate areas. So we don't really get into each others way.


   I've kinda got back on the wagon and pretty much drank a week strait. Quite a bit. But I've been sick since Saturday (6 days) so haven't drank since Sunday. lol. I'm gonna set a goal next week for only one or two days of drinking and one has to be moderate. Like no more than 6 drinks. I think that is fair.


   My car broke down three weeks ago. Just died. While it was driving. Lost power to all brakes and steering. My partner dragged my ass home with wrench straps. Replaced the fuel injector. Turned right on and ran for about four mins and just quit. Fuck. So we have to run full diagnosis but... it doesn't move or steer. Might have to sell it. I miss having a car. It's driving me mad.


   Missed 2.5 days this week @ work just from being ill. Boss tried to make me feel bad for leaving Monday but seriously I'm miserable and they don't pay me enough to be there and that miserable. I went back today, sucked but I survived.


   I'm getting fatter again I'm afraid, I got all the way down to like 190 and now I'm back to 220. I did get all the way back to 229. Being in a relationship is apparently hungry work because I also go up in weight when I'm in one. But I absolutely can not stand the way I look rn. Which is hard because my partner is very supportive but in reality... just look at me. I'm medically over weight.


   I also learned that my favorite band won't be anywhere near me when they tour. Closest is five hours and I drove that back in February to see another of my favorite bands. Oh also I don't have the money lol. So that part too.


   Everything as far as I can tell between my partner and I are going amazingly. At the end of october we will be together (defacto) for a whole year. I feel so in love with her that at times it make me think 'am I pathetic?' just because of how often I think of her when she is not around. I believe she is also still my best friend.


   An unnamed poem I wrote dated 6/18/18:


   Touch the sun, burning our hands, the children cry but they don't understand.

8/28/18 Long Time and a New LIfe

   Here I sit, in a different house than my last post. My life is almost unrecognizable from where I was the last time I posted. Which has been a very long time. Sorry about that, I tend to be a sporadic type writer. I stopped writing because my life got busier and more complicated. Not to mention I wanted to focus more on my art and learning and writing new music.


   I don't even know where to start. Well the crush I mentioned in my last post, nothing ever really happened with. I did have fun with her and we partied a few times but nothing happened. We still talk rarely but she is actually about to have a kid. She is a really sweet girl.


   So I need to mention in great detail as it has been very important in my life; what happened to Amanda and Bobbie.


   In esrly July of 2017 Amanda, Bobbie, myself, A friend Brandon and his partner, some girl named Brittany and the girl I had previously mentioned having a crush on went with her then boyfriend on a camping trip to a very remote (no running water or electricity) cabin/camping area by a small pond that Brandon's parents own. Very beautiful, and secluded. The first night needless to say we got very drunk and they had a dock. Now Brandon and I had already planned skinny dipping after everyone else was asleep. Well... didn't take that long. At about 10pm or so I ask him if he cares if I just get started "shit, ima join you." so as soon as we mention this Bobbie and Amanda go back to their tent. Everyone else (there were also two other girls there, they went back to their tents before this to sleep. They mostly slept and complained so idc to mention them by name) stayed down by the pond. Everyone of the guys got naked first then once everyone realized it wasn't sexual all the people present took off their clothes. It was really fun because there was no "that one asshole" and we were all just chillin' at the dock and sitting, smoking and drinking, swimming, having a good time. We were loud. af. I guess at one point I called (yelled) to all the sleeping people each "come down, we are on vacation why are you sleeping." Turns out they wern't all sleeping. Though, I admit I knew none of the people not present were coming to the water with us. Even though it was hardly midnight.


   Well, apparently Bobbie had been up at the cabin and Amanda's car. Just slamming liquor and being a dick to Amanda. Later she told me that he had said to her that night that because we were naked she was not only not allowed to go down to the water but had to stay in their tent or in the car facing away from the water. Anyway, around 130-2am Bobbie comes storming down the dock. He looks pissed, rabbles something in an asshole tone followed by; "y'all wanna show off dicks?" and angrily pulls his pants down and points it at all of us. He got really upset when everyone was unfazed by it. IDK if he expected us to be impressed? And he stormed back off.


   Fast forward to about 230-330am. At this point I've lost count at 13 beers, three solo's of jungle juice, too many bowls and pills to count. I'm fucked up, have had a great time. Got to express myself (I love when people can be naked around each other platonically, I'll explain eventually) in complete freedom. Was around people I like. I was just generally loving life. So, obviously: I'm standing alone in the cabin eating or something and Bobbie comes in and starts talking to me. "You want people to see your dick? Is that what ya like?" and pulled out his dick. It was awkward and I was confused and I really just wanted this situation to just end. He takes it another step: "I wanna talk to you. Look IK you're in love with Amanda. I'm not stupid." Now my brain is really scrambled. One of the last things I expected tbh. I just stood there in a drunk/high/wtf/isthishappeningoramiasleep quietness. "You love her don't you?" "no" I finally muster out of my mouth. "IK you do, dude. but *puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes deeply* I trust you, I do." Me, literally: "Thank you. I'm glad I'm the kind of person that others can have trust in." I gave him a hug and walked the fuck away and went and laid down in my tent.


   I wake up about 10am or so. It is about 100 degrees F, not kidding. I walk down to the water where all the people who didn't join in the games the night before are swimming and hanging out. I start to yell at Bobbie because he fell asleep in an inter-tube and it was 100 degrees and I didn't want him to burn to a crisp. All the girls hush me immediately "DON'T YOU WAKE HIM!!! He just fell asleep and has been a dick all morning to everyone."  So he did, he slept for like 4 hours in the sun and woke up mad. So he takes Amanda to the other side of the pond (around 45-60 yards away) and proceeds to bang her (in the pond so you couldn't see anything sexual) in front of now everyone. It was messed up but she played it off later. That night I'm still down from being accused of being in love with my best friend and friends girlfriend. I eventually get down to the water, have a few drinks. All the other people were at the water and complaining so I went to bed at like 1230-1. Still slightly drunk.


   The reason they wanted me to let him burn in the sun is because after I went to bed the first night and Amanda woke up, he accused her of cheating on him with me... in front of our friends. Right after he told me he trusted me! what? She didn't tell me this till two weeks after it happened. I was so pissed. Don't get me wrong, Amanda and I were close as friends but not to any point to be concerned. However this led to them fighting constantly and after a few months of him accusing her of cheating they in house "separated." I word it this way because really it meant he lived with her because he had no job and no place to go and she wouldn't kick his daughter out with no place to go. So Amanda started coming over more. One, to get away from Bobbie who at this point was such a dick to her constantly I stopped being friends with him by September. I think mid September she told him he had to find a different place and move out but she would give him a few months.  


   Now that she wasn't "Taken," "appropriate" talk became casual talk and more subjects could be discussed etc. Turns out we had a lot of same goals and sexual preference etc. So the last day of September as we go to part ways, she was sad and gave me a shitty hug. So I said "nope, not good enough." and pulled her back to give her a hug.... and we just... fucking kissed. Nothing making out or anything like that. One short, and gentle kiss. We both blushed hard af and almost tripped over our own feet walking away. I had already promised I would come to her house for diner later that day. As soon as I get there as to make sure I knew she wanted that kiss earlier, she stood behind me and put her hands on my shoulders and when I turned around to look at her she kissed me. Lot deeper this time. My heart fucking stood still. anyway, I realized the part about Amanda and I can go on a different post tomorrow or some day soon. It's a lot.


   But by September I was mainly focused on this girl I met named Flora. We were together about August 2016-February 17 off and on. Then actually together June 2017 through the end of August. and suddenly all that stopped. I started focusing on art and stuff. We loved each other very much but she was moving to another country to further her education and I have kids here I would never leave. And she was very jealous etc. So we decided to end our relationship, both monogamously and sexually. Actually August-Feb we were more in an open relationship until I started to be open then she broke it off. Apologized later, told me she didn't want to see me with anyone else. So asked me to be her boyfriend. I still talk to her online. I miss Flora actually. Not as a girlfriend or fuck buddy but just as someone who was (for almost all parts) good to me and genuinely cared for me. She has a partner now whom she is engaged to that goes to her collage (they call it uni.)


   Well, I guess that is all for today's post. Hope to write soon. Lots more to catch up on.

05/09/17 This crush thing...

   SO, last night I went out with Bobbie and Amanda and their kids to laser tag. We played two rounds and while I got my ass kicked the first round, the second round I kicked ass and was in the top three. That was a lot of fun. Talked to my crush a lot yesterday even in between the laser tag games. We have been pretty flirty and are going to hang out her next day off. When I woke up this morning she had already texted me "good morning" and wished me a good day etc. There is a part of me that is hesitant but it is also true that I'm starting to actually like her as a person. Either she is very sweet or one hell of a player. Either way, I'm into it.

   New co-worker is going well still she is laid back and seems very nice.

   Didn't drink for two days! woo.

   

5/7/17

   So, It has been about a month since I have posted anything. Mostly due to the fact I've kinda had a mental breakdown and got very depressed. I was worried writing about it would make things worse in my head. I've thought about suicide a lot in this past month. I've been dwelling on my past, how I have hurt people and the other way around. How easily disposable I am to so many others. On 5/3/17-5/4/17 I just wept for 15 hours strait wishing everything would fucking stop. I've also not been writing, doing art or playing music. I've just been drinking every night. its dumb but it is the only thing that can stop my thoughts sometimes. As a type of temporary "off" button.  I've slowed way the fuck down on taking pills. My doctor even noted I was two week late on filling my med and I told her it is because I am trying to control my anxiety by myself.

   Of course that is not something I'd ever suggest. I know I have kids as a safety net. I won't kill myself because they need me and I want to be there for them. So if you don't have a safety net never try such things.

   Sara asked me out back around 4/15 or so and that sent me into a deep spiral. She then asked me out again 5/5/17. Again I politely declined such an offer. "I think we can reconcile what I did." all I could say is "only time will tell." But that was a lie because there is no way to reconcile. Best to keep things civil though so I think this is smartest for now.

  In the dating news; I made a post on fb mentioning how I was trying to tell my best friend who I had a crush on and he guessed it thus ruining my spiel. Well the girl I have a crush on writes on my post "I bet I can guess! but if I'm right you owe me a cookie." of course I accept this challenge. She guesses Amanda lol. "no, I figured out of all people you'd know who it is. since it is you after all." She just replies; "well I'll be damned, that's convenient because I already like you." however we work polar opposite schedules and she actually has two jobs so we have only been able to hang out very little. But it was good. She is a very sweet person, she is way more cute than I so I'm confused there but what can I say? All I really want with her rn is to be good to each other, be there for each other and anything else that happens is just a plus I guess. I'd lie to say I didn't miss feeling wanted by someone.

   Work has been obnoxiously hard af because I've had to train two new workers this month because one started with us and left for a different job in 1 and a half week. New person seems really happy and on the ball so that's exciting. She is really good already so that is promising at least.

   To end on a high note with this post: I think my daughter is finally house broken! oh, I mean potty trained. Three days no potty in her diaper!!!

4/6/17

   So like I said; my writing is sporadic. What Sara did that day to royally ruin my fucking day was this: She had came over the night before and we sat and talked and it was nice and she had asked if she could use the car the next day if she took me to work. Trying to be nice to the mother of my kids, I let her take the car... She makes a HUGE POINT "be ready AT 7:15am  no later." Next morning; 715 comes... "okay, who knows? maybe the kids are giving her a hard time" I call her at 720 no answer. I called her again at 725... no answer... I had to walk over to her house and knock on her door to wake her up... then she didn't even need the car. She just handed me the keys. She texted me when she woke up to apologize. Turns out I had to be yelled at by my boss for being late af, walk in the cold to get my car and all cause she stayed up til 4am drinking and playing an online game for kids... This is the perfect metaphor and a literal artistic translations of Sara and I's relationship. I'm too big of a fucking push over. Never let someone who is abusive stay in your life. Not even at a distance because they will still find a way.  They will hurt you again. But me being who I am. She came over this past Friday and I slept with her as soon as she batted her eyes at me. WHY? Why can I not stop?

   Anyway, since Friday when I slept with her I have pretty much felt empty and void as a whole. Finally got a new co-worker who started 4/6/17 she is working out great so far, I hope she stays she seems really nice. She learns quick and that makes my life a bit easier.  The weekend with the kids went really well as always and last night when I got them we played zombies all night lol.

   Today I've felt quite suicidal and hopeless in general. Last night I was listening to this song I've never heard and it brought up a lot of feelings from when I found out and was reading about Sara cheating on me. Made me feel empty and unwanted. Then I noticed the only girls who talk to me do so sexually and nothing more. They don't want me, don't care about me and could replace me without hesitation. My dad has become delusional to the point he believes he may be some kind of prophet. He won't say that but the way he talks is like a bible verse. My mom is utter depressed because of my dad and because grandma has been having chest pains. One of my few best friends is like manically depressed. He admitted to me on the phone last night he is still destroyed over his divorce that happened almost three years ago and he wants to die. Everyone is fucking depressed. Like all the people I care about are either going crazy or are depressed af.

   I'm going to go get drunk and try and not think about all the shit I just wrote about. I know it's not healthy but I can't afford counseling. Be safe everyone!

   I'll leave you with two short poems I wrote today;

"I can't even tell who's blood this is anymore."

"I said I loved you and that was sincere. Because of you, love is the only thing I fear."

3/29/17 busy, busy and more busy.

   What a week already, Wednesday night and I'm already tired like it is Friday clean up time. My co-worker had her husband call in on Sunday night and say she would not be in to work. So it has just been me, running the office by myself. Which I can handle and have done before. But as a medical worker the longer you go the more things pile up and people are not forgiving. I have to answer all the phone calls that come in and at this point I am just fucking exhausted. My office manager may as well not even be there she is so disconnected from the office that she can't talk to any patients with out becoming upset and flying off the handles. Sometimes I think we need a designated "dark place where we workers can cry in peace." in every doctors office. BUT! I only have to survive two more days. And? This is perfect for job security so I try to look like its not too hard. Anyway, I'm enjoying every second off this week.

   It's Wednesday, so naturally I had the kids. We went over to Bobbies and of course my daughter worships his, because his daughter is 10 and mine is almost 4. Lucky his daughter thinks mine is adorable so they "play together" and so she really enjoys it. My son ofc is my son so he played video games with Amanda's son. He really likes Jorden and gets along with him very well which is rare for my son. He is way nicer to Jorden every since he seen him have a seizure. I hope that means my son is becoming a good person. On the way home after he saw Jorden have a seizure for the first time he asked me; "dad? I didn't know humans could do that. I didn't know if he was going to die." *mind you my son is 6 at this time* I explained to him in medical terms what had happened and that we don't know why it has to certain people but with some humans it just does. You could see my answer didn't satisfy him, like the answer wasn't fair. He was right and I had no clue what to respond to him. Oop's, sorry for going off topic, I should warn you now, I tend to wander when I write and tend to bring up recollections etc. Anyway, My daughter Played with Amanda's corn snake! You could tell she was a touch uncomfortable with it. But being the though person she is she held it and gave it kisses lol. She really is something else. I love that snake too. It knows me now and always crawls into my hoodie pocket.

   I'm just having a smoke, finished watching always sunny. Now I have to figure out which show to binge watch next. I finished playing walking dead s2 last night. That game is amazing and if you've never played either get both. Season two won't be as good or as deep if you don't play season one. I'm really too exhausted to write too much more and nothing really crazy has happened. I go to get my taxes done tomorrow... yay, not. I for some reason don't feel very lonely or depressed. OH Sara did something rude af Tuesday morning but I'll try and remember to write about that in the next post. I'm too tired to write more rn,     

For Character Background! (or) How I got here to this day; 3/25/17 a short history.

   If you want to know most of my story (whenever it is up) you can read that under the menu item "my back story." For now I will go back about two years ago around February 2015

   At the time I was living on a large cattle farm. We also had pigs and a few goats and like 20 wild cats and four dogs. Living in this house there was; my partner Sara, her mom Leann, her stepdad Sean, our son and our daughter, then myself of course. Oh we also had four ponies and two donkeys!

   So to be honest and to the point her parents had a shitty marriage. He would verbally abuse her constantly and trash talk her about all the chores she did around the house when he did none. He was an alcoholic and generally not pleasant to be around. Very full of hate etc.

   I moved into the farm in August of 2013 when Sara and I had our second child, a baby girl. At this point Sara and I had been together for 5 years. I wont lie, at first when I moved in everything was going fairly well. I got along with all the other humans and everyone liked me a lot. But of course any time there is that many people in one house people are gonna get on each others nerves and piss one another off.

   Before I continue I'd like to note that cow farming. Is. Fucking. Hard. Work. Specially if you have a job on top of that.

   Now we fast forward to the good stuff, lots of random days where good and bad everyday stuff happens. Then on 02/08/15 an event that changed my life forever happened. My drunk (thought was going to be step-dad in-law) house mate threw myself and my family out of his house. He had lost his job a year before and it was only his wife and I paying the mortgage and bills. But to keep it short Sean was drunk one night after being a POS to his wife and I hear him start in on me how I don't do shit. So I marched up stairs and told him how much debt we were all in and explained if he worked a full time minimum wage job we could be okay. Also told him he is a shit husband and he should worship his wife for all she does for him. He took this as an insult and through all of us out (my partner and two kids) we stayed in a hotel for a few days and even had my son's birthday in the hotel.
But like many things there was a silver lining as it pushed me to buy a house (which I'm still living in.)

   We moved into the house 3/9/15. Nothing fancy, manufactured home. 3bed 2 bath, huge living room/kitchen area.

Forward a few months:

   My partner lied to me for 6 months saying she was not pregnant when she was,,, So when her water broke one night, I dropped her off at the hospital and took my kids to my parents. By the time I got back to the hospital she already had started filling out paper work for adoption. SInce we aren't rich and I couldn't just go buy baby shit while she was maintaining she wasn't pregnant. This ripped me apart. It only took two days to sign over the child. Ive never cried so much in my fucking life. It was so hard. We got to meet the parents and to this day they still e-mail me pictures an we talk a little here and there.

   After this she becomes more into me and tells me how lucky she is that I was so understanding and nice about the baby being put up for adoption. I've always support her decisions even if I didn't like them or if they were things I didn't want because I had been taught that that is what love is. On the inside I resented her for lying about being pregnant. I knew she only lied because if she admitted she was pregnant then she would have been admitting she lied to me about being on birth control. We slowly drifted apart as I wondered what else she was probably lying about.

    In February of 2016 my co-parent/partner had a concussion. Well she was acting weird and her mom took her to the hospital. Well we shared a computer that I never got on but I wanted to save some pictures from fb to my computer. She had left her different messengers open (skype, kik various emails) and she was cheating on me with quite a few guys and some internet people. She was lying to all of them saying she was single and going to college etc. So when she is better I confront her and she breaks down and gives me the literal on her knees apology. I say Okay one more chance and I'm gone if this happens again. She is super sweet all weekend. Now, she did not work, she was a stay at home mom (though by the amount of chatting and intimate/sexual shit there was, there is no way she was parenting). I come home from work on the next Monday (she made the knee apology that very Friday!) her E-mail is open and there are multiple people again, she is setting up to bang them etc. So I'm more then crushed. We ha been together 8 years. She never worked or help clean or teach the kids anything. I let her talk me into not leaving right away and that was my fault. I should have left. Of course I take her back after she begs and pleads and vows to quit even going online if it will convince me she needs me... blah blah blah. 3/18/16; I just go look this time, because of course. she stayed off the internet for maybe two days. Back to 3/18/16 I find she is only talking to three people now but one is really close and their relationship and conversation is way too intimate. He has a wife and was like talking shit about his autistic step kids. My partners is like agreeing with him and blaming his wife for needing to take care of their kids. So that was the last straw and I told her I would stay one year so she could start school and get a job and start paying for her own stuff. I officially break up with her and we split rooms.

Fast forward to August 2016:

   She didn't get my son registered for school on time even though I did all the leg work and all she had to do is drive two blocks to get him registered (I work the hours that the school was open or I would have just done it myself.) This was the second year in a row she didn't get him registered. So naturally when I find out she lied to me about having him registered this school year I fucking lost it. You're fucking up our kids life for people who don't even know your real age. And she kept ignoring me so I started to yell and kicked her out and so in August of 2016 we officially were no longer together in any capacity.

   It did not take me long to move on, a little under a month. Not because I'm savage or anything. I just had felt alone for a very log time so Sara moving out seemed more of a formality then anything else. I met this girl who lives about 30 minutes away. She was younger than me but was very mature and we clicked very well at first. We were never "together" but would sleep together and talked everyday all day. Eventually unfortunately She changed her mind on what she wanted and told me she as getting too close to me and that she was afraid of how much she liked me. So she broke up with me unfortunately (even though we were not together) and so we quit seeing each other and are just friends. We still talk to the day that I'm writing this. Pretty much everyday and we are really good friends. We tell each other we love each other platonically.

   I had pretty much focused on her and the kids since I split with Sara completely and it is as though in December I suddenly realized what had happened. I felt deeply inadequate (still do,) depression. I felt and still do feel as though no one will ever truly love me and that maybe it is better to just be alone. Lucky for me and not something everyone has: My friends are amazing people who pull me out of depression when it gets out of hand. My sister is another person who saves me a lot and has literally saved my life. Ive struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts most of my life but for the longest time it was as though they disappeared but a couple years ago they started coming back.

   Here in the last few months Ive really been trying to get it back together on my own and get back out and get dating again. Ive lost 40lbs in the last 6 months and am at my target weight so I have to get new goals. I've been on a couple of dates in the last few months and have been talking to a few girls but nothing has worked out yet. I even joined a dating site! Which is crazy and I hate it. It is like window shopping humans for romance... How does that even work? Anyway, none of it has gone well.

   My son is doing well in school, my daughter is smarter than me already and I'm starting to do okay at life I think. That's why I'm willing to start this blog now. I think I can write about my life without it causing me a break down and I hope it can help whoever is reading it in anyway possible. I spend most of my time talking to my friends on the internet or looking at and making different kinds of art. I have no current love interest and I get my kids on the weekends and Wednesdays. I still get along with Sara and we still talk. I'm not gonna make my life more difficult for no reason. It's easier for me to be friendly.

   That is a quick catch-up to where I am in my life right now. Thank you for reading and I will attempt to write often to keep it interesting.