10/16/2018 A Little Bit of an Emotional Breakdown

   So yesterday was a shit show. Minutes after I woke up all the way til I passed out.


   Wake up, get dressed, blah blah blah. Go to get my lunch out of the fridge (leftover pizza) and my future stepson strait up ate half of it in the middle of night. For no reason, knew it was my lunch etc. I didn't go to grab it til it was time leave so had no way to make something else.


   So, when I get in the kid I just throw it at him (gently tossed at) and all I could say is "really?" "I know." this kid is 14 all I could think is "fuck you." I was so pissed. And his mom didn't say shit to him. That is a huge isse I have really. I feel like she is inconsistent in disciplining her kids and it leads to them never fucking listening and just doing wtf they want. But that is very hard to deal with. As I've mentioned the stealing etc etc.


   Work went by quick at least, even today went by fast at least.


   When I got home I started going through all my old relics of the past. I keep a "chest" of old things friends have given me over the years, letters, sentimental things. I enjoy reading old love letters the most I think. Really highlights the fact that people are so full of shit (myself included.) You will read some of the fakest shit ever from people you really thought cared if you read over old letters. No wonder I don't trust anyone.


   Naturally after having a shitty day I started drinking. Then I was drinking while reading that shit and just the right mood I suppose. I started to feel like I was gonna hurt myself. And A: I don't wanna do that anymore. B: I can't afford to be hospitalized etc, and I would lose my job. I drank like 10 beers in 3 hours and took 7 valium and kinda blacked out. Like to the point Amanda shaved my head and I don't fucking remember it happening. Was nice surprise when I woke up though. I apologized as soon as I woke because most people are dicks when they blackout.


   Apparently I didn't do anything bad except try to shave my head and so she stopped me and did it for me (thank god.) All she told me I did beside that was cry at her and self criticize myself a lot. Could have gone worse I guess.


  Today was rough though just feeling hungover.


 Sunday after I wrote my last post I just laid in the dark under a cover for the rest of the day and getting high and being depressed af.

8/28/18 Long Time and a New LIfe

   Here I sit, in a different house than my last post. My life is almost unrecognizable from where I was the last time I posted. Which has been a very long time. Sorry about that, I tend to be a sporadic type writer. I stopped writing because my life got busier and more complicated. Not to mention I wanted to focus more on my art and learning and writing new music.


   I don't even know where to start. Well the crush I mentioned in my last post, nothing ever really happened with. I did have fun with her and we partied a few times but nothing happened. We still talk rarely but she is actually about to have a kid. She is a really sweet girl.


   So I need to mention in great detail as it has been very important in my life; what happened to Amanda and Bobbie.


   In esrly July of 2017 Amanda, Bobbie, myself, A friend Brandon and his partner, some girl named Brittany and the girl I had previously mentioned having a crush on went with her then boyfriend on a camping trip to a very remote (no running water or electricity) cabin/camping area by a small pond that Brandon's parents own. Very beautiful, and secluded. The first night needless to say we got very drunk and they had a dock. Now Brandon and I had already planned skinny dipping after everyone else was asleep. Well... didn't take that long. At about 10pm or so I ask him if he cares if I just get started "shit, ima join you." so as soon as we mention this Bobbie and Amanda go back to their tent. Everyone else (there were also two other girls there, they went back to their tents before this to sleep. They mostly slept and complained so idc to mention them by name) stayed down by the pond. Everyone of the guys got naked first then once everyone realized it wasn't sexual all the people present took off their clothes. It was really fun because there was no "that one asshole" and we were all just chillin' at the dock and sitting, smoking and drinking, swimming, having a good time. We were loud. af. I guess at one point I called (yelled) to all the sleeping people each "come down, we are on vacation why are you sleeping." Turns out they wern't all sleeping. Though, I admit I knew none of the people not present were coming to the water with us. Even though it was hardly midnight.


   Well, apparently Bobbie had been up at the cabin and Amanda's car. Just slamming liquor and being a dick to Amanda. Later she told me that he had said to her that night that because we were naked she was not only not allowed to go down to the water but had to stay in their tent or in the car facing away from the water. Anyway, around 130-2am Bobbie comes storming down the dock. He looks pissed, rabbles something in an asshole tone followed by; "y'all wanna show off dicks?" and angrily pulls his pants down and points it at all of us. He got really upset when everyone was unfazed by it. IDK if he expected us to be impressed? And he stormed back off.


   Fast forward to about 230-330am. At this point I've lost count at 13 beers, three solo's of jungle juice, too many bowls and pills to count. I'm fucked up, have had a great time. Got to express myself (I love when people can be naked around each other platonically, I'll explain eventually) in complete freedom. Was around people I like. I was just generally loving life. So, obviously: I'm standing alone in the cabin eating or something and Bobbie comes in and starts talking to me. "You want people to see your dick? Is that what ya like?" and pulled out his dick. It was awkward and I was confused and I really just wanted this situation to just end. He takes it another step: "I wanna talk to you. Look IK you're in love with Amanda. I'm not stupid." Now my brain is really scrambled. One of the last things I expected tbh. I just stood there in a drunk/high/wtf/isthishappeningoramiasleep quietness. "You love her don't you?" "no" I finally muster out of my mouth. "IK you do, dude. but *puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes deeply* I trust you, I do." Me, literally: "Thank you. I'm glad I'm the kind of person that others can have trust in." I gave him a hug and walked the fuck away and went and laid down in my tent.


   I wake up about 10am or so. It is about 100 degrees F, not kidding. I walk down to the water where all the people who didn't join in the games the night before are swimming and hanging out. I start to yell at Bobbie because he fell asleep in an inter-tube and it was 100 degrees and I didn't want him to burn to a crisp. All the girls hush me immediately "DON'T YOU WAKE HIM!!! He just fell asleep and has been a dick all morning to everyone."  So he did, he slept for like 4 hours in the sun and woke up mad. So he takes Amanda to the other side of the pond (around 45-60 yards away) and proceeds to bang her (in the pond so you couldn't see anything sexual) in front of now everyone. It was messed up but she played it off later. That night I'm still down from being accused of being in love with my best friend and friends girlfriend. I eventually get down to the water, have a few drinks. All the other people were at the water and complaining so I went to bed at like 1230-1. Still slightly drunk.


   The reason they wanted me to let him burn in the sun is because after I went to bed the first night and Amanda woke up, he accused her of cheating on him with me... in front of our friends. Right after he told me he trusted me! what? She didn't tell me this till two weeks after it happened. I was so pissed. Don't get me wrong, Amanda and I were close as friends but not to any point to be concerned. However this led to them fighting constantly and after a few months of him accusing her of cheating they in house "separated." I word it this way because really it meant he lived with her because he had no job and no place to go and she wouldn't kick his daughter out with no place to go. So Amanda started coming over more. One, to get away from Bobbie who at this point was such a dick to her constantly I stopped being friends with him by September. I think mid September she told him he had to find a different place and move out but she would give him a few months.  


   Now that she wasn't "Taken," "appropriate" talk became casual talk and more subjects could be discussed etc. Turns out we had a lot of same goals and sexual preference etc. So the last day of September as we go to part ways, she was sad and gave me a shitty hug. So I said "nope, not good enough." and pulled her back to give her a hug.... and we just... fucking kissed. Nothing making out or anything like that. One short, and gentle kiss. We both blushed hard af and almost tripped over our own feet walking away. I had already promised I would come to her house for diner later that day. As soon as I get there as to make sure I knew she wanted that kiss earlier, she stood behind me and put her hands on my shoulders and when I turned around to look at her she kissed me. Lot deeper this time. My heart fucking stood still. anyway, I realized the part about Amanda and I can go on a different post tomorrow or some day soon. It's a lot.


   But by September I was mainly focused on this girl I met named Flora. We were together about August 2016-February 17 off and on. Then actually together June 2017 through the end of August. and suddenly all that stopped. I started focusing on art and stuff. We loved each other very much but she was moving to another country to further her education and I have kids here I would never leave. And she was very jealous etc. So we decided to end our relationship, both monogamously and sexually. Actually August-Feb we were more in an open relationship until I started to be open then she broke it off. Apologized later, told me she didn't want to see me with anyone else. So asked me to be her boyfriend. I still talk to her online. I miss Flora actually. Not as a girlfriend or fuck buddy but just as someone who was (for almost all parts) good to me and genuinely cared for me. She has a partner now whom she is engaged to that goes to her collage (they call it uni.)


   Well, I guess that is all for today's post. Hope to write soon. Lots more to catch up on.

05/09/17 This crush thing...

   SO, last night I went out with Bobbie and Amanda and their kids to laser tag. We played two rounds and while I got my ass kicked the first round, the second round I kicked ass and was in the top three. That was a lot of fun. Talked to my crush a lot yesterday even in between the laser tag games. We have been pretty flirty and are going to hang out her next day off. When I woke up this morning she had already texted me "good morning" and wished me a good day etc. There is a part of me that is hesitant but it is also true that I'm starting to actually like her as a person. Either she is very sweet or one hell of a player. Either way, I'm into it.

   New co-worker is going well still she is laid back and seems very nice.

   Didn't drink for two days! woo.

   

5/7/17

   So, It has been about a month since I have posted anything. Mostly due to the fact I've kinda had a mental breakdown and got very depressed. I was worried writing about it would make things worse in my head. I've thought about suicide a lot in this past month. I've been dwelling on my past, how I have hurt people and the other way around. How easily disposable I am to so many others. On 5/3/17-5/4/17 I just wept for 15 hours strait wishing everything would fucking stop. I've also not been writing, doing art or playing music. I've just been drinking every night. its dumb but it is the only thing that can stop my thoughts sometimes. As a type of temporary "off" button.  I've slowed way the fuck down on taking pills. My doctor even noted I was two week late on filling my med and I told her it is because I am trying to control my anxiety by myself.

   Of course that is not something I'd ever suggest. I know I have kids as a safety net. I won't kill myself because they need me and I want to be there for them. So if you don't have a safety net never try such things.

   Sara asked me out back around 4/15 or so and that sent me into a deep spiral. She then asked me out again 5/5/17. Again I politely declined such an offer. "I think we can reconcile what I did." all I could say is "only time will tell." But that was a lie because there is no way to reconcile. Best to keep things civil though so I think this is smartest for now.

  In the dating news; I made a post on fb mentioning how I was trying to tell my best friend who I had a crush on and he guessed it thus ruining my spiel. Well the girl I have a crush on writes on my post "I bet I can guess! but if I'm right you owe me a cookie." of course I accept this challenge. She guesses Amanda lol. "no, I figured out of all people you'd know who it is. since it is you after all." She just replies; "well I'll be damned, that's convenient because I already like you." however we work polar opposite schedules and she actually has two jobs so we have only been able to hang out very little. But it was good. She is a very sweet person, she is way more cute than I so I'm confused there but what can I say? All I really want with her rn is to be good to each other, be there for each other and anything else that happens is just a plus I guess. I'd lie to say I didn't miss feeling wanted by someone.

   Work has been obnoxiously hard af because I've had to train two new workers this month because one started with us and left for a different job in 1 and a half week. New person seems really happy and on the ball so that's exciting. She is really good already so that is promising at least.

   To end on a high note with this post: I think my daughter is finally house broken! oh, I mean potty trained. Three days no potty in her diaper!!!