10/16/2018 A Little Bit of an Emotional Breakdown

   So yesterday was a shit show. Minutes after I woke up all the way til I passed out.


   Wake up, get dressed, blah blah blah. Go to get my lunch out of the fridge (leftover pizza) and my future stepson strait up ate half of it in the middle of night. For no reason, knew it was my lunch etc. I didn't go to grab it til it was time leave so had no way to make something else.


   So, when I get in the kid I just throw it at him (gently tossed at) and all I could say is "really?" "I know." this kid is 14 all I could think is "fuck you." I was so pissed. And his mom didn't say shit to him. That is a huge isse I have really. I feel like she is inconsistent in disciplining her kids and it leads to them never fucking listening and just doing wtf they want. But that is very hard to deal with. As I've mentioned the stealing etc etc.


   Work went by quick at least, even today went by fast at least.


   When I got home I started going through all my old relics of the past. I keep a "chest" of old things friends have given me over the years, letters, sentimental things. I enjoy reading old love letters the most I think. Really highlights the fact that people are so full of shit (myself included.) You will read some of the fakest shit ever from people you really thought cared if you read over old letters. No wonder I don't trust anyone.


   Naturally after having a shitty day I started drinking. Then I was drinking while reading that shit and just the right mood I suppose. I started to feel like I was gonna hurt myself. And A: I don't wanna do that anymore. B: I can't afford to be hospitalized etc, and I would lose my job. I drank like 10 beers in 3 hours and took 7 valium and kinda blacked out. Like to the point Amanda shaved my head and I don't fucking remember it happening. Was nice surprise when I woke up though. I apologized as soon as I woke because most people are dicks when they blackout.


   Apparently I didn't do anything bad except try to shave my head and so she stopped me and did it for me (thank god.) All she told me I did beside that was cry at her and self criticize myself a lot. Could have gone worse I guess.


  Today was rough though just feeling hungover.


 Sunday after I wrote my last post I just laid in the dark under a cover for the rest of the day and getting high and being depressed af.

10/14/18 Lots of New Changes... Again.

   My parents moved out. About a week ago. Was nice to get to spend time with them. My father and I had a few heartfelt conversations and I think he is finally starting to get it. I can mostly get along with my dad now, I believe. Because I'm just old enough to not give a fuck. I just speak to him honestly and criticize him and what he did to his children growing up. You see. My dad is a lot of a bit; a narcissist. He never sees how exactly things happen. In his mind he has never done any wrong and has attacked my sister and I for feeling like he could have done a better job. He thinks too many people blame their bad habits or coping mechanism on their upbringing. But I'm just saying: Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you turn out. And my dad let us see and go through some fucked up shit as kids. Spent most my young life playing outside or stuck in my room because no one could stop doing dope long enough that the kids were allowed to watch tv etc. Jackie (my first step mother) was at least nice enough to by us kids a game consul and move the tv into our room (my sister and I shared a room til I was about 11.)


   I had a bit of a spat with Jorden, Amanda's 14 y/o son. He keeps stealing shit from our room and his sisters room and looks at me like he wants to fight me or some shit. He is so disrespectful to his mom. My real mom and my first step mom would have knocked the fuck out of me for the way he acts. Doesn't clean his room when told to do so. It took him three weeks to clean his room after Amanda found old moldy food under his bed. He really does stretch my patience but I feel bad for Amanda because there isn't much she can do. He is bi-polar and has seizures, depression, anxiety ADD, authority defiant disorder. I've been in literal tears because I feel so helpless in the situation. I try to give him advice best I can and I just really really try to stay calm when he is freaking out but sometimes its hard. My first step mom and my dad (while in differing ways) were both abusive af. So I really want physical discipline off the table. Been beat with most things you could imagine amd it causes a lot of resentment and more rebellion (or at least it did in my case.) All the other kids have generally been good.


   Amanda kinda sent up a red flag yesterday. She was using my computer and I left my email open and she saw I sent a picture to my email from my phone a few days ago. She is also aware that I send porn to my computer that way as well. After she got upset and was really shitty with me all day I asked her why and she asked if she could open my emails, to which I said no. Sorry, but people shouldn't go through each others shit IMO. If you don't trust me, leave me. But anyway, I told her they were just pics of her after she became more upset. "I haven't sent you any nudes recently" I seriously had to show her that on those dates she did in fact send me nudes and I showed her I did send them to my email. She said she was embarrassed and apologized extensively. But it reminded me of old relationships where the other person was like that. Letting it slide before is probably the reason today why I don't have many friends who are girls anymore. It scares me that this will escalate into, like before: Me not being allowed to have friends who are girls. Only time can really tell I suppose.


   I only kept the drinking promise I made on my last post for about a week. Drank almost everyday this week. Got started yesterday early and popped about 6-7 valium and was out by 11. Between that and drinking with one of my best friends the day before that I at least don't feel exhausted right now.


   My car is still dead, can't afford to even figure out what is wrong with it. So last Friday I asked for a raise. And got one. 1.50 and five personal days, paid. It's something. Though I want to get back into school soon. I really don't want to do what I do now for the rest of my life. But I guess I make enough money here and its not bad work really. I felt extremely depressed this last week til about friday. Now I feel a little better but still have this hollowing need to just lay in a spot all day and do nothing.

9/27/18

   Been a crazy week or two. Where to start? Well my parents had to move in with me two weeks ago so that kinda sidetracked the rest of life. Apparently the electric company came to clean a tree limb off the lines and somehow that was my parents doing and reported them to the city. Well turns out through some technicality something else was actually wrong (though not my parents fault) and would cost multiple thousands of dollars to fix. So essentially there was no running water and now no electricity. There was already not central air or heat but now it is unlivable. So they moved in with me.


   It has gone fairly well so far tbh. The way the place I live is set up to be like two separate areas. So we don't really get into each others way.


   I've kinda got back on the wagon and pretty much drank a week strait. Quite a bit. But I've been sick since Saturday (6 days) so haven't drank since Sunday. lol. I'm gonna set a goal next week for only one or two days of drinking and one has to be moderate. Like no more than 6 drinks. I think that is fair.


   My car broke down three weeks ago. Just died. While it was driving. Lost power to all brakes and steering. My partner dragged my ass home with wrench straps. Replaced the fuel injector. Turned right on and ran for about four mins and just quit. Fuck. So we have to run full diagnosis but... it doesn't move or steer. Might have to sell it. I miss having a car. It's driving me mad.


   Missed 2.5 days this week @ work just from being ill. Boss tried to make me feel bad for leaving Monday but seriously I'm miserable and they don't pay me enough to be there and that miserable. I went back today, sucked but I survived.


   I'm getting fatter again I'm afraid, I got all the way down to like 190 and now I'm back to 220. I did get all the way back to 229. Being in a relationship is apparently hungry work because I also go up in weight when I'm in one. But I absolutely can not stand the way I look rn. Which is hard because my partner is very supportive but in reality... just look at me. I'm medically over weight.


   I also learned that my favorite band won't be anywhere near me when they tour. Closest is five hours and I drove that back in February to see another of my favorite bands. Oh also I don't have the money lol. So that part too.


   Everything as far as I can tell between my partner and I are going amazingly. At the end of october we will be together (defacto) for a whole year. I feel so in love with her that at times it make me think 'am I pathetic?' just because of how often I think of her when she is not around. I believe she is also still my best friend.


   An unnamed poem I wrote dated 6/18/18:


   Touch the sun, burning our hands, the children cry but they don't understand.

3/29/17 busy, busy and more busy.

   What a week already, Wednesday night and I'm already tired like it is Friday clean up time. My co-worker had her husband call in on Sunday night and say she would not be in to work. So it has just been me, running the office by myself. Which I can handle and have done before. But as a medical worker the longer you go the more things pile up and people are not forgiving. I have to answer all the phone calls that come in and at this point I am just fucking exhausted. My office manager may as well not even be there she is so disconnected from the office that she can't talk to any patients with out becoming upset and flying off the handles. Sometimes I think we need a designated "dark place where we workers can cry in peace." in every doctors office. BUT! I only have to survive two more days. And? This is perfect for job security so I try to look like its not too hard. Anyway, I'm enjoying every second off this week.

   It's Wednesday, so naturally I had the kids. We went over to Bobbies and of course my daughter worships his, because his daughter is 10 and mine is almost 4. Lucky his daughter thinks mine is adorable so they "play together" and so she really enjoys it. My son ofc is my son so he played video games with Amanda's son. He really likes Jorden and gets along with him very well which is rare for my son. He is way nicer to Jorden every since he seen him have a seizure. I hope that means my son is becoming a good person. On the way home after he saw Jorden have a seizure for the first time he asked me; "dad? I didn't know humans could do that. I didn't know if he was going to die." *mind you my son is 6 at this time* I explained to him in medical terms what had happened and that we don't know why it has to certain people but with some humans it just does. You could see my answer didn't satisfy him, like the answer wasn't fair. He was right and I had no clue what to respond to him. Oop's, sorry for going off topic, I should warn you now, I tend to wander when I write and tend to bring up recollections etc. Anyway, My daughter Played with Amanda's corn snake! You could tell she was a touch uncomfortable with it. But being the though person she is she held it and gave it kisses lol. She really is something else. I love that snake too. It knows me now and always crawls into my hoodie pocket.

   I'm just having a smoke, finished watching always sunny. Now I have to figure out which show to binge watch next. I finished playing walking dead s2 last night. That game is amazing and if you've never played either get both. Season two won't be as good or as deep if you don't play season one. I'm really too exhausted to write too much more and nothing really crazy has happened. I go to get my taxes done tomorrow... yay, not. I for some reason don't feel very lonely or depressed. OH Sara did something rude af Tuesday morning but I'll try and remember to write about that in the next post. I'm too tired to write more rn,