So, It has been about a month since I have posted anything. Mostly due to the fact I've kinda had a mental breakdown and got very depressed. I was worried writing about it would make things worse in my head. I've thought about suicide a lot in this past month. I've been dwelling on my past, how I have hurt people and the other way around. How easily disposable I am to so many others. On 5/3/17-5/4/17 I just wept for 15 hours strait wishing everything would fucking stop. I've also not been writing, doing art or playing music. I've just been drinking every night. its dumb but it is the only thing that can stop my thoughts sometimes. As a type of temporary "off" button. I've slowed way the fuck down on taking pills. My doctor even noted I was two week late on filling my med and I told her it is because I am trying to control my anxiety by myself.
Of course that is not something I'd ever suggest. I know I have kids as a safety net. I won't kill myself because they need me and I want to be there for them. So if you don't have a safety net never try such things.
Sara asked me out back around 4/15 or so and that sent me into a deep spiral. She then asked me out again 5/5/17. Again I politely declined such an offer. "I think we can reconcile what I did." all I could say is "only time will tell." But that was a lie because there is no way to reconcile. Best to keep things civil though so I think this is smartest for now.
In the dating news; I made a post on fb mentioning how I was trying to tell my best friend who I had a crush on and he guessed it thus ruining my spiel. Well the girl I have a crush on writes on my post "I bet I can guess! but if I'm right you owe me a cookie." of course I accept this challenge. She guesses Amanda lol. "no, I figured out of all people you'd know who it is. since it is you after all." She just replies; "well I'll be damned, that's convenient because I already like you." however we work polar opposite schedules and she actually has two jobs so we have only been able to hang out very little. But it was good. She is a very sweet person, she is way more cute than I so I'm confused there but what can I say? All I really want with her rn is to be good to each other, be there for each other and anything else that happens is just a plus I guess. I'd lie to say I didn't miss feeling wanted by someone.
Work has been obnoxiously hard af because I've had to train two new workers this month because one started with us and left for a different job in 1 and a half week. New person seems really happy and on the ball so that's exciting. She is really good already so that is promising at least.
To end on a high note with this post: I think my daughter is finally house broken! oh, I mean potty trained. Three days no potty in her diaper!!!
