10/16/2018 A Little Bit of an Emotional Breakdown

   So yesterday was a shit show. Minutes after I woke up all the way til I passed out.


   Wake up, get dressed, blah blah blah. Go to get my lunch out of the fridge (leftover pizza) and my future stepson strait up ate half of it in the middle of night. For no reason, knew it was my lunch etc. I didn't go to grab it til it was time leave so had no way to make something else.


   So, when I get in the kid I just throw it at him (gently tossed at) and all I could say is "really?" "I know." this kid is 14 all I could think is "fuck you." I was so pissed. And his mom didn't say shit to him. That is a huge isse I have really. I feel like she is inconsistent in disciplining her kids and it leads to them never fucking listening and just doing wtf they want. But that is very hard to deal with. As I've mentioned the stealing etc etc.


   Work went by quick at least, even today went by fast at least.


   When I got home I started going through all my old relics of the past. I keep a "chest" of old things friends have given me over the years, letters, sentimental things. I enjoy reading old love letters the most I think. Really highlights the fact that people are so full of shit (myself included.) You will read some of the fakest shit ever from people you really thought cared if you read over old letters. No wonder I don't trust anyone.


   Naturally after having a shitty day I started drinking. Then I was drinking while reading that shit and just the right mood I suppose. I started to feel like I was gonna hurt myself. And A: I don't wanna do that anymore. B: I can't afford to be hospitalized etc, and I would lose my job. I drank like 10 beers in 3 hours and took 7 valium and kinda blacked out. Like to the point Amanda shaved my head and I don't fucking remember it happening. Was nice surprise when I woke up though. I apologized as soon as I woke because most people are dicks when they blackout.


   Apparently I didn't do anything bad except try to shave my head and so she stopped me and did it for me (thank god.) All she told me I did beside that was cry at her and self criticize myself a lot. Could have gone worse I guess.


  Today was rough though just feeling hungover.


 Sunday after I wrote my last post I just laid in the dark under a cover for the rest of the day and getting high and being depressed af.

5/7/17

   So, It has been about a month since I have posted anything. Mostly due to the fact I've kinda had a mental breakdown and got very depressed. I was worried writing about it would make things worse in my head. I've thought about suicide a lot in this past month. I've been dwelling on my past, how I have hurt people and the other way around. How easily disposable I am to so many others. On 5/3/17-5/4/17 I just wept for 15 hours strait wishing everything would fucking stop. I've also not been writing, doing art or playing music. I've just been drinking every night. its dumb but it is the only thing that can stop my thoughts sometimes. As a type of temporary "off" button.  I've slowed way the fuck down on taking pills. My doctor even noted I was two week late on filling my med and I told her it is because I am trying to control my anxiety by myself.

   Of course that is not something I'd ever suggest. I know I have kids as a safety net. I won't kill myself because they need me and I want to be there for them. So if you don't have a safety net never try such things.

   Sara asked me out back around 4/15 or so and that sent me into a deep spiral. She then asked me out again 5/5/17. Again I politely declined such an offer. "I think we can reconcile what I did." all I could say is "only time will tell." But that was a lie because there is no way to reconcile. Best to keep things civil though so I think this is smartest for now.

  In the dating news; I made a post on fb mentioning how I was trying to tell my best friend who I had a crush on and he guessed it thus ruining my spiel. Well the girl I have a crush on writes on my post "I bet I can guess! but if I'm right you owe me a cookie." of course I accept this challenge. She guesses Amanda lol. "no, I figured out of all people you'd know who it is. since it is you after all." She just replies; "well I'll be damned, that's convenient because I already like you." however we work polar opposite schedules and she actually has two jobs so we have only been able to hang out very little. But it was good. She is a very sweet person, she is way more cute than I so I'm confused there but what can I say? All I really want with her rn is to be good to each other, be there for each other and anything else that happens is just a plus I guess. I'd lie to say I didn't miss feeling wanted by someone.

   Work has been obnoxiously hard af because I've had to train two new workers this month because one started with us and left for a different job in 1 and a half week. New person seems really happy and on the ball so that's exciting. She is really good already so that is promising at least.

   To end on a high note with this post: I think my daughter is finally house broken! oh, I mean potty trained. Three days no potty in her diaper!!!

4/6/17

   So like I said; my writing is sporadic. What Sara did that day to royally ruin my fucking day was this: She had came over the night before and we sat and talked and it was nice and she had asked if she could use the car the next day if she took me to work. Trying to be nice to the mother of my kids, I let her take the car... She makes a HUGE POINT "be ready AT 7:15am  no later." Next morning; 715 comes... "okay, who knows? maybe the kids are giving her a hard time" I call her at 720 no answer. I called her again at 725... no answer... I had to walk over to her house and knock on her door to wake her up... then she didn't even need the car. She just handed me the keys. She texted me when she woke up to apologize. Turns out I had to be yelled at by my boss for being late af, walk in the cold to get my car and all cause she stayed up til 4am drinking and playing an online game for kids... This is the perfect metaphor and a literal artistic translations of Sara and I's relationship. I'm too big of a fucking push over. Never let someone who is abusive stay in your life. Not even at a distance because they will still find a way.  They will hurt you again. But me being who I am. She came over this past Friday and I slept with her as soon as she batted her eyes at me. WHY? Why can I not stop?

   Anyway, since Friday when I slept with her I have pretty much felt empty and void as a whole. Finally got a new co-worker who started 4/6/17 she is working out great so far, I hope she stays she seems really nice. She learns quick and that makes my life a bit easier.  The weekend with the kids went really well as always and last night when I got them we played zombies all night lol.

   Today I've felt quite suicidal and hopeless in general. Last night I was listening to this song I've never heard and it brought up a lot of feelings from when I found out and was reading about Sara cheating on me. Made me feel empty and unwanted. Then I noticed the only girls who talk to me do so sexually and nothing more. They don't want me, don't care about me and could replace me without hesitation. My dad has become delusional to the point he believes he may be some kind of prophet. He won't say that but the way he talks is like a bible verse. My mom is utter depressed because of my dad and because grandma has been having chest pains. One of my few best friends is like manically depressed. He admitted to me on the phone last night he is still destroyed over his divorce that happened almost three years ago and he wants to die. Everyone is fucking depressed. Like all the people I care about are either going crazy or are depressed af.

   I'm going to go get drunk and try and not think about all the shit I just wrote about. I know it's not healthy but I can't afford counseling. Be safe everyone!

   I'll leave you with two short poems I wrote today;

"I can't even tell who's blood this is anymore."

"I said I loved you and that was sincere. Because of you, love is the only thing I fear."