10/16/2018 A Little Bit of an Emotional Breakdown

   So yesterday was a shit show. Minutes after I woke up all the way til I passed out.


   Wake up, get dressed, blah blah blah. Go to get my lunch out of the fridge (leftover pizza) and my future stepson strait up ate half of it in the middle of night. For no reason, knew it was my lunch etc. I didn't go to grab it til it was time leave so had no way to make something else.


   So, when I get in the kid I just throw it at him (gently tossed at) and all I could say is "really?" "I know." this kid is 14 all I could think is "fuck you." I was so pissed. And his mom didn't say shit to him. That is a huge isse I have really. I feel like she is inconsistent in disciplining her kids and it leads to them never fucking listening and just doing wtf they want. But that is very hard to deal with. As I've mentioned the stealing etc etc.


   Work went by quick at least, even today went by fast at least.


   When I got home I started going through all my old relics of the past. I keep a "chest" of old things friends have given me over the years, letters, sentimental things. I enjoy reading old love letters the most I think. Really highlights the fact that people are so full of shit (myself included.) You will read some of the fakest shit ever from people you really thought cared if you read over old letters. No wonder I don't trust anyone.


   Naturally after having a shitty day I started drinking. Then I was drinking while reading that shit and just the right mood I suppose. I started to feel like I was gonna hurt myself. And A: I don't wanna do that anymore. B: I can't afford to be hospitalized etc, and I would lose my job. I drank like 10 beers in 3 hours and took 7 valium and kinda blacked out. Like to the point Amanda shaved my head and I don't fucking remember it happening. Was nice surprise when I woke up though. I apologized as soon as I woke because most people are dicks when they blackout.


   Apparently I didn't do anything bad except try to shave my head and so she stopped me and did it for me (thank god.) All she told me I did beside that was cry at her and self criticize myself a lot. Could have gone worse I guess.


  Today was rough though just feeling hungover.


 Sunday after I wrote my last post I just laid in the dark under a cover for the rest of the day and getting high and being depressed af.

10/14/18 Lots of New Changes... Again.

   My parents moved out. About a week ago. Was nice to get to spend time with them. My father and I had a few heartfelt conversations and I think he is finally starting to get it. I can mostly get along with my dad now, I believe. Because I'm just old enough to not give a fuck. I just speak to him honestly and criticize him and what he did to his children growing up. You see. My dad is a lot of a bit; a narcissist. He never sees how exactly things happen. In his mind he has never done any wrong and has attacked my sister and I for feeling like he could have done a better job. He thinks too many people blame their bad habits or coping mechanism on their upbringing. But I'm just saying: Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you turn out. And my dad let us see and go through some fucked up shit as kids. Spent most my young life playing outside or stuck in my room because no one could stop doing dope long enough that the kids were allowed to watch tv etc. Jackie (my first step mother) was at least nice enough to by us kids a game consul and move the tv into our room (my sister and I shared a room til I was about 11.)


   I had a bit of a spat with Jorden, Amanda's 14 y/o son. He keeps stealing shit from our room and his sisters room and looks at me like he wants to fight me or some shit. He is so disrespectful to his mom. My real mom and my first step mom would have knocked the fuck out of me for the way he acts. Doesn't clean his room when told to do so. It took him three weeks to clean his room after Amanda found old moldy food under his bed. He really does stretch my patience but I feel bad for Amanda because there isn't much she can do. He is bi-polar and has seizures, depression, anxiety ADD, authority defiant disorder. I've been in literal tears because I feel so helpless in the situation. I try to give him advice best I can and I just really really try to stay calm when he is freaking out but sometimes its hard. My first step mom and my dad (while in differing ways) were both abusive af. So I really want physical discipline off the table. Been beat with most things you could imagine amd it causes a lot of resentment and more rebellion (or at least it did in my case.) All the other kids have generally been good.


   Amanda kinda sent up a red flag yesterday. She was using my computer and I left my email open and she saw I sent a picture to my email from my phone a few days ago. She is also aware that I send porn to my computer that way as well. After she got upset and was really shitty with me all day I asked her why and she asked if she could open my emails, to which I said no. Sorry, but people shouldn't go through each others shit IMO. If you don't trust me, leave me. But anyway, I told her they were just pics of her after she became more upset. "I haven't sent you any nudes recently" I seriously had to show her that on those dates she did in fact send me nudes and I showed her I did send them to my email. She said she was embarrassed and apologized extensively. But it reminded me of old relationships where the other person was like that. Letting it slide before is probably the reason today why I don't have many friends who are girls anymore. It scares me that this will escalate into, like before: Me not being allowed to have friends who are girls. Only time can really tell I suppose.


   I only kept the drinking promise I made on my last post for about a week. Drank almost everyday this week. Got started yesterday early and popped about 6-7 valium and was out by 11. Between that and drinking with one of my best friends the day before that I at least don't feel exhausted right now.


   My car is still dead, can't afford to even figure out what is wrong with it. So last Friday I asked for a raise. And got one. 1.50 and five personal days, paid. It's something. Though I want to get back into school soon. I really don't want to do what I do now for the rest of my life. But I guess I make enough money here and its not bad work really. I felt extremely depressed this last week til about friday. Now I feel a little better but still have this hollowing need to just lay in a spot all day and do nothing.

9/27/18

   Been a crazy week or two. Where to start? Well my parents had to move in with me two weeks ago so that kinda sidetracked the rest of life. Apparently the electric company came to clean a tree limb off the lines and somehow that was my parents doing and reported them to the city. Well turns out through some technicality something else was actually wrong (though not my parents fault) and would cost multiple thousands of dollars to fix. So essentially there was no running water and now no electricity. There was already not central air or heat but now it is unlivable. So they moved in with me.


   It has gone fairly well so far tbh. The way the place I live is set up to be like two separate areas. So we don't really get into each others way.


   I've kinda got back on the wagon and pretty much drank a week strait. Quite a bit. But I've been sick since Saturday (6 days) so haven't drank since Sunday. lol. I'm gonna set a goal next week for only one or two days of drinking and one has to be moderate. Like no more than 6 drinks. I think that is fair.


   My car broke down three weeks ago. Just died. While it was driving. Lost power to all brakes and steering. My partner dragged my ass home with wrench straps. Replaced the fuel injector. Turned right on and ran for about four mins and just quit. Fuck. So we have to run full diagnosis but... it doesn't move or steer. Might have to sell it. I miss having a car. It's driving me mad.


   Missed 2.5 days this week @ work just from being ill. Boss tried to make me feel bad for leaving Monday but seriously I'm miserable and they don't pay me enough to be there and that miserable. I went back today, sucked but I survived.


   I'm getting fatter again I'm afraid, I got all the way down to like 190 and now I'm back to 220. I did get all the way back to 229. Being in a relationship is apparently hungry work because I also go up in weight when I'm in one. But I absolutely can not stand the way I look rn. Which is hard because my partner is very supportive but in reality... just look at me. I'm medically over weight.


   I also learned that my favorite band won't be anywhere near me when they tour. Closest is five hours and I drove that back in February to see another of my favorite bands. Oh also I don't have the money lol. So that part too.


   Everything as far as I can tell between my partner and I are going amazingly. At the end of october we will be together (defacto) for a whole year. I feel so in love with her that at times it make me think 'am I pathetic?' just because of how often I think of her when she is not around. I believe she is also still my best friend.


   An unnamed poem I wrote dated 6/18/18:


   Touch the sun, burning our hands, the children cry but they don't understand.

8/28/18 Long Time and a New LIfe

   Here I sit, in a different house than my last post. My life is almost unrecognizable from where I was the last time I posted. Which has been a very long time. Sorry about that, I tend to be a sporadic type writer. I stopped writing because my life got busier and more complicated. Not to mention I wanted to focus more on my art and learning and writing new music.


   I don't even know where to start. Well the crush I mentioned in my last post, nothing ever really happened with. I did have fun with her and we partied a few times but nothing happened. We still talk rarely but she is actually about to have a kid. She is a really sweet girl.


   So I need to mention in great detail as it has been very important in my life; what happened to Amanda and Bobbie.


   In esrly July of 2017 Amanda, Bobbie, myself, A friend Brandon and his partner, some girl named Brittany and the girl I had previously mentioned having a crush on went with her then boyfriend on a camping trip to a very remote (no running water or electricity) cabin/camping area by a small pond that Brandon's parents own. Very beautiful, and secluded. The first night needless to say we got very drunk and they had a dock. Now Brandon and I had already planned skinny dipping after everyone else was asleep. Well... didn't take that long. At about 10pm or so I ask him if he cares if I just get started "shit, ima join you." so as soon as we mention this Bobbie and Amanda go back to their tent. Everyone else (there were also two other girls there, they went back to their tents before this to sleep. They mostly slept and complained so idc to mention them by name) stayed down by the pond. Everyone of the guys got naked first then once everyone realized it wasn't sexual all the people present took off their clothes. It was really fun because there was no "that one asshole" and we were all just chillin' at the dock and sitting, smoking and drinking, swimming, having a good time. We were loud. af. I guess at one point I called (yelled) to all the sleeping people each "come down, we are on vacation why are you sleeping." Turns out they wern't all sleeping. Though, I admit I knew none of the people not present were coming to the water with us. Even though it was hardly midnight.


   Well, apparently Bobbie had been up at the cabin and Amanda's car. Just slamming liquor and being a dick to Amanda. Later she told me that he had said to her that night that because we were naked she was not only not allowed to go down to the water but had to stay in their tent or in the car facing away from the water. Anyway, around 130-2am Bobbie comes storming down the dock. He looks pissed, rabbles something in an asshole tone followed by; "y'all wanna show off dicks?" and angrily pulls his pants down and points it at all of us. He got really upset when everyone was unfazed by it. IDK if he expected us to be impressed? And he stormed back off.


   Fast forward to about 230-330am. At this point I've lost count at 13 beers, three solo's of jungle juice, too many bowls and pills to count. I'm fucked up, have had a great time. Got to express myself (I love when people can be naked around each other platonically, I'll explain eventually) in complete freedom. Was around people I like. I was just generally loving life. So, obviously: I'm standing alone in the cabin eating or something and Bobbie comes in and starts talking to me. "You want people to see your dick? Is that what ya like?" and pulled out his dick. It was awkward and I was confused and I really just wanted this situation to just end. He takes it another step: "I wanna talk to you. Look IK you're in love with Amanda. I'm not stupid." Now my brain is really scrambled. One of the last things I expected tbh. I just stood there in a drunk/high/wtf/isthishappeningoramiasleep quietness. "You love her don't you?" "no" I finally muster out of my mouth. "IK you do, dude. but *puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes deeply* I trust you, I do." Me, literally: "Thank you. I'm glad I'm the kind of person that others can have trust in." I gave him a hug and walked the fuck away and went and laid down in my tent.


   I wake up about 10am or so. It is about 100 degrees F, not kidding. I walk down to the water where all the people who didn't join in the games the night before are swimming and hanging out. I start to yell at Bobbie because he fell asleep in an inter-tube and it was 100 degrees and I didn't want him to burn to a crisp. All the girls hush me immediately "DON'T YOU WAKE HIM!!! He just fell asleep and has been a dick all morning to everyone."  So he did, he slept for like 4 hours in the sun and woke up mad. So he takes Amanda to the other side of the pond (around 45-60 yards away) and proceeds to bang her (in the pond so you couldn't see anything sexual) in front of now everyone. It was messed up but she played it off later. That night I'm still down from being accused of being in love with my best friend and friends girlfriend. I eventually get down to the water, have a few drinks. All the other people were at the water and complaining so I went to bed at like 1230-1. Still slightly drunk.


   The reason they wanted me to let him burn in the sun is because after I went to bed the first night and Amanda woke up, he accused her of cheating on him with me... in front of our friends. Right after he told me he trusted me! what? She didn't tell me this till two weeks after it happened. I was so pissed. Don't get me wrong, Amanda and I were close as friends but not to any point to be concerned. However this led to them fighting constantly and after a few months of him accusing her of cheating they in house "separated." I word it this way because really it meant he lived with her because he had no job and no place to go and she wouldn't kick his daughter out with no place to go. So Amanda started coming over more. One, to get away from Bobbie who at this point was such a dick to her constantly I stopped being friends with him by September. I think mid September she told him he had to find a different place and move out but she would give him a few months.  


   Now that she wasn't "Taken," "appropriate" talk became casual talk and more subjects could be discussed etc. Turns out we had a lot of same goals and sexual preference etc. So the last day of September as we go to part ways, she was sad and gave me a shitty hug. So I said "nope, not good enough." and pulled her back to give her a hug.... and we just... fucking kissed. Nothing making out or anything like that. One short, and gentle kiss. We both blushed hard af and almost tripped over our own feet walking away. I had already promised I would come to her house for diner later that day. As soon as I get there as to make sure I knew she wanted that kiss earlier, she stood behind me and put her hands on my shoulders and when I turned around to look at her she kissed me. Lot deeper this time. My heart fucking stood still. anyway, I realized the part about Amanda and I can go on a different post tomorrow or some day soon. It's a lot.


   But by September I was mainly focused on this girl I met named Flora. We were together about August 2016-February 17 off and on. Then actually together June 2017 through the end of August. and suddenly all that stopped. I started focusing on art and stuff. We loved each other very much but she was moving to another country to further her education and I have kids here I would never leave. And she was very jealous etc. So we decided to end our relationship, both monogamously and sexually. Actually August-Feb we were more in an open relationship until I started to be open then she broke it off. Apologized later, told me she didn't want to see me with anyone else. So asked me to be her boyfriend. I still talk to her online. I miss Flora actually. Not as a girlfriend or fuck buddy but just as someone who was (for almost all parts) good to me and genuinely cared for me. She has a partner now whom she is engaged to that goes to her collage (they call it uni.)


   Well, I guess that is all for today's post. Hope to write soon. Lots more to catch up on.