10/14/18 Lots of New Changes... Again.

   My parents moved out. About a week ago. Was nice to get to spend time with them. My father and I had a few heartfelt conversations and I think he is finally starting to get it. I can mostly get along with my dad now, I believe. Because I'm just old enough to not give a fuck. I just speak to him honestly and criticize him and what he did to his children growing up. You see. My dad is a lot of a bit; a narcissist. He never sees how exactly things happen. In his mind he has never done any wrong and has attacked my sister and I for feeling like he could have done a better job. He thinks too many people blame their bad habits or coping mechanism on their upbringing. But I'm just saying: Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you turn out. And my dad let us see and go through some fucked up shit as kids. Spent most my young life playing outside or stuck in my room because no one could stop doing dope long enough that the kids were allowed to watch tv etc. Jackie (my first step mother) was at least nice enough to by us kids a game consul and move the tv into our room (my sister and I shared a room til I was about 11.)


   I had a bit of a spat with Jorden, Amanda's 14 y/o son. He keeps stealing shit from our room and his sisters room and looks at me like he wants to fight me or some shit. He is so disrespectful to his mom. My real mom and my first step mom would have knocked the fuck out of me for the way he acts. Doesn't clean his room when told to do so. It took him three weeks to clean his room after Amanda found old moldy food under his bed. He really does stretch my patience but I feel bad for Amanda because there isn't much she can do. He is bi-polar and has seizures, depression, anxiety ADD, authority defiant disorder. I've been in literal tears because I feel so helpless in the situation. I try to give him advice best I can and I just really really try to stay calm when he is freaking out but sometimes its hard. My first step mom and my dad (while in differing ways) were both abusive af. So I really want physical discipline off the table. Been beat with most things you could imagine amd it causes a lot of resentment and more rebellion (or at least it did in my case.) All the other kids have generally been good.


   Amanda kinda sent up a red flag yesterday. She was using my computer and I left my email open and she saw I sent a picture to my email from my phone a few days ago. She is also aware that I send porn to my computer that way as well. After she got upset and was really shitty with me all day I asked her why and she asked if she could open my emails, to which I said no. Sorry, but people shouldn't go through each others shit IMO. If you don't trust me, leave me. But anyway, I told her they were just pics of her after she became more upset. "I haven't sent you any nudes recently" I seriously had to show her that on those dates she did in fact send me nudes and I showed her I did send them to my email. She said she was embarrassed and apologized extensively. But it reminded me of old relationships where the other person was like that. Letting it slide before is probably the reason today why I don't have many friends who are girls anymore. It scares me that this will escalate into, like before: Me not being allowed to have friends who are girls. Only time can really tell I suppose.


   I only kept the drinking promise I made on my last post for about a week. Drank almost everyday this week. Got started yesterday early and popped about 6-7 valium and was out by 11. Between that and drinking with one of my best friends the day before that I at least don't feel exhausted right now.


   My car is still dead, can't afford to even figure out what is wrong with it. So last Friday I asked for a raise. And got one. 1.50 and five personal days, paid. It's something. Though I want to get back into school soon. I really don't want to do what I do now for the rest of my life. But I guess I make enough money here and its not bad work really. I felt extremely depressed this last week til about friday. Now I feel a little better but still have this hollowing need to just lay in a spot all day and do nothing.

9/27/18

   Been a crazy week or two. Where to start? Well my parents had to move in with me two weeks ago so that kinda sidetracked the rest of life. Apparently the electric company came to clean a tree limb off the lines and somehow that was my parents doing and reported them to the city. Well turns out through some technicality something else was actually wrong (though not my parents fault) and would cost multiple thousands of dollars to fix. So essentially there was no running water and now no electricity. There was already not central air or heat but now it is unlivable. So they moved in with me.


   It has gone fairly well so far tbh. The way the place I live is set up to be like two separate areas. So we don't really get into each others way.


   I've kinda got back on the wagon and pretty much drank a week strait. Quite a bit. But I've been sick since Saturday (6 days) so haven't drank since Sunday. lol. I'm gonna set a goal next week for only one or two days of drinking and one has to be moderate. Like no more than 6 drinks. I think that is fair.


   My car broke down three weeks ago. Just died. While it was driving. Lost power to all brakes and steering. My partner dragged my ass home with wrench straps. Replaced the fuel injector. Turned right on and ran for about four mins and just quit. Fuck. So we have to run full diagnosis but... it doesn't move or steer. Might have to sell it. I miss having a car. It's driving me mad.


   Missed 2.5 days this week @ work just from being ill. Boss tried to make me feel bad for leaving Monday but seriously I'm miserable and they don't pay me enough to be there and that miserable. I went back today, sucked but I survived.


   I'm getting fatter again I'm afraid, I got all the way down to like 190 and now I'm back to 220. I did get all the way back to 229. Being in a relationship is apparently hungry work because I also go up in weight when I'm in one. But I absolutely can not stand the way I look rn. Which is hard because my partner is very supportive but in reality... just look at me. I'm medically over weight.


   I also learned that my favorite band won't be anywhere near me when they tour. Closest is five hours and I drove that back in February to see another of my favorite bands. Oh also I don't have the money lol. So that part too.


   Everything as far as I can tell between my partner and I are going amazingly. At the end of october we will be together (defacto) for a whole year. I feel so in love with her that at times it make me think 'am I pathetic?' just because of how often I think of her when she is not around. I believe she is also still my best friend.


   An unnamed poem I wrote dated 6/18/18:


   Touch the sun, burning our hands, the children cry but they don't understand.

05/09/17 This crush thing...

   SO, last night I went out with Bobbie and Amanda and their kids to laser tag. We played two rounds and while I got my ass kicked the first round, the second round I kicked ass and was in the top three. That was a lot of fun. Talked to my crush a lot yesterday even in between the laser tag games. We have been pretty flirty and are going to hang out her next day off. When I woke up this morning she had already texted me "good morning" and wished me a good day etc. There is a part of me that is hesitant but it is also true that I'm starting to actually like her as a person. Either she is very sweet or one hell of a player. Either way, I'm into it.

   New co-worker is going well still she is laid back and seems very nice.

   Didn't drink for two days! woo.

   

5/7/17

   So, It has been about a month since I have posted anything. Mostly due to the fact I've kinda had a mental breakdown and got very depressed. I was worried writing about it would make things worse in my head. I've thought about suicide a lot in this past month. I've been dwelling on my past, how I have hurt people and the other way around. How easily disposable I am to so many others. On 5/3/17-5/4/17 I just wept for 15 hours strait wishing everything would fucking stop. I've also not been writing, doing art or playing music. I've just been drinking every night. its dumb but it is the only thing that can stop my thoughts sometimes. As a type of temporary "off" button.  I've slowed way the fuck down on taking pills. My doctor even noted I was two week late on filling my med and I told her it is because I am trying to control my anxiety by myself.

   Of course that is not something I'd ever suggest. I know I have kids as a safety net. I won't kill myself because they need me and I want to be there for them. So if you don't have a safety net never try such things.

   Sara asked me out back around 4/15 or so and that sent me into a deep spiral. She then asked me out again 5/5/17. Again I politely declined such an offer. "I think we can reconcile what I did." all I could say is "only time will tell." But that was a lie because there is no way to reconcile. Best to keep things civil though so I think this is smartest for now.

  In the dating news; I made a post on fb mentioning how I was trying to tell my best friend who I had a crush on and he guessed it thus ruining my spiel. Well the girl I have a crush on writes on my post "I bet I can guess! but if I'm right you owe me a cookie." of course I accept this challenge. She guesses Amanda lol. "no, I figured out of all people you'd know who it is. since it is you after all." She just replies; "well I'll be damned, that's convenient because I already like you." however we work polar opposite schedules and she actually has two jobs so we have only been able to hang out very little. But it was good. She is a very sweet person, she is way more cute than I so I'm confused there but what can I say? All I really want with her rn is to be good to each other, be there for each other and anything else that happens is just a plus I guess. I'd lie to say I didn't miss feeling wanted by someone.

   Work has been obnoxiously hard af because I've had to train two new workers this month because one started with us and left for a different job in 1 and a half week. New person seems really happy and on the ball so that's exciting. She is really good already so that is promising at least.

   To end on a high note with this post: I think my daughter is finally house broken! oh, I mean potty trained. Three days no potty in her diaper!!!

4/6/17

   So like I said; my writing is sporadic. What Sara did that day to royally ruin my fucking day was this: She had came over the night before and we sat and talked and it was nice and she had asked if she could use the car the next day if she took me to work. Trying to be nice to the mother of my kids, I let her take the car... She makes a HUGE POINT "be ready AT 7:15am  no later." Next morning; 715 comes... "okay, who knows? maybe the kids are giving her a hard time" I call her at 720 no answer. I called her again at 725... no answer... I had to walk over to her house and knock on her door to wake her up... then she didn't even need the car. She just handed me the keys. She texted me when she woke up to apologize. Turns out I had to be yelled at by my boss for being late af, walk in the cold to get my car and all cause she stayed up til 4am drinking and playing an online game for kids... This is the perfect metaphor and a literal artistic translations of Sara and I's relationship. I'm too big of a fucking push over. Never let someone who is abusive stay in your life. Not even at a distance because they will still find a way.  They will hurt you again. But me being who I am. She came over this past Friday and I slept with her as soon as she batted her eyes at me. WHY? Why can I not stop?

   Anyway, since Friday when I slept with her I have pretty much felt empty and void as a whole. Finally got a new co-worker who started 4/6/17 she is working out great so far, I hope she stays she seems really nice. She learns quick and that makes my life a bit easier.  The weekend with the kids went really well as always and last night when I got them we played zombies all night lol.

   Today I've felt quite suicidal and hopeless in general. Last night I was listening to this song I've never heard and it brought up a lot of feelings from when I found out and was reading about Sara cheating on me. Made me feel empty and unwanted. Then I noticed the only girls who talk to me do so sexually and nothing more. They don't want me, don't care about me and could replace me without hesitation. My dad has become delusional to the point he believes he may be some kind of prophet. He won't say that but the way he talks is like a bible verse. My mom is utter depressed because of my dad and because grandma has been having chest pains. One of my few best friends is like manically depressed. He admitted to me on the phone last night he is still destroyed over his divorce that happened almost three years ago and he wants to die. Everyone is fucking depressed. Like all the people I care about are either going crazy or are depressed af.

   I'm going to go get drunk and try and not think about all the shit I just wrote about. I know it's not healthy but I can't afford counseling. Be safe everyone!

   I'll leave you with two short poems I wrote today;

"I can't even tell who's blood this is anymore."

"I said I loved you and that was sincere. Because of you, love is the only thing I fear."

3/29/17 busy, busy and more busy.

   What a week already, Wednesday night and I'm already tired like it is Friday clean up time. My co-worker had her husband call in on Sunday night and say she would not be in to work. So it has just been me, running the office by myself. Which I can handle and have done before. But as a medical worker the longer you go the more things pile up and people are not forgiving. I have to answer all the phone calls that come in and at this point I am just fucking exhausted. My office manager may as well not even be there she is so disconnected from the office that she can't talk to any patients with out becoming upset and flying off the handles. Sometimes I think we need a designated "dark place where we workers can cry in peace." in every doctors office. BUT! I only have to survive two more days. And? This is perfect for job security so I try to look like its not too hard. Anyway, I'm enjoying every second off this week.

   It's Wednesday, so naturally I had the kids. We went over to Bobbies and of course my daughter worships his, because his daughter is 10 and mine is almost 4. Lucky his daughter thinks mine is adorable so they "play together" and so she really enjoys it. My son ofc is my son so he played video games with Amanda's son. He really likes Jorden and gets along with him very well which is rare for my son. He is way nicer to Jorden every since he seen him have a seizure. I hope that means my son is becoming a good person. On the way home after he saw Jorden have a seizure for the first time he asked me; "dad? I didn't know humans could do that. I didn't know if he was going to die." *mind you my son is 6 at this time* I explained to him in medical terms what had happened and that we don't know why it has to certain people but with some humans it just does. You could see my answer didn't satisfy him, like the answer wasn't fair. He was right and I had no clue what to respond to him. Oop's, sorry for going off topic, I should warn you now, I tend to wander when I write and tend to bring up recollections etc. Anyway, My daughter Played with Amanda's corn snake! You could tell she was a touch uncomfortable with it. But being the though person she is she held it and gave it kisses lol. She really is something else. I love that snake too. It knows me now and always crawls into my hoodie pocket.

   I'm just having a smoke, finished watching always sunny. Now I have to figure out which show to binge watch next. I finished playing walking dead s2 last night. That game is amazing and if you've never played either get both. Season two won't be as good or as deep if you don't play season one. I'm really too exhausted to write too much more and nothing really crazy has happened. I go to get my taxes done tomorrow... yay, not. I for some reason don't feel very lonely or depressed. OH Sara did something rude af Tuesday morning but I'll try and remember to write about that in the next post. I'm too tired to write more rn,