10/14/18 Lots of New Changes... Again.

   My parents moved out. About a week ago. Was nice to get to spend time with them. My father and I had a few heartfelt conversations and I think he is finally starting to get it. I can mostly get along with my dad now, I believe. Because I'm just old enough to not give a fuck. I just speak to him honestly and criticize him and what he did to his children growing up. You see. My dad is a lot of a bit; a narcissist. He never sees how exactly things happen. In his mind he has never done any wrong and has attacked my sister and I for feeling like he could have done a better job. He thinks too many people blame their bad habits or coping mechanism on their upbringing. But I'm just saying: Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you turn out. And my dad let us see and go through some fucked up shit as kids. Spent most my young life playing outside or stuck in my room because no one could stop doing dope long enough that the kids were allowed to watch tv etc. Jackie (my first step mother) was at least nice enough to by us kids a game consul and move the tv into our room (my sister and I shared a room til I was about 11.)


   I had a bit of a spat with Jorden, Amanda's 14 y/o son. He keeps stealing shit from our room and his sisters room and looks at me like he wants to fight me or some shit. He is so disrespectful to his mom. My real mom and my first step mom would have knocked the fuck out of me for the way he acts. Doesn't clean his room when told to do so. It took him three weeks to clean his room after Amanda found old moldy food under his bed. He really does stretch my patience but I feel bad for Amanda because there isn't much she can do. He is bi-polar and has seizures, depression, anxiety ADD, authority defiant disorder. I've been in literal tears because I feel so helpless in the situation. I try to give him advice best I can and I just really really try to stay calm when he is freaking out but sometimes its hard. My first step mom and my dad (while in differing ways) were both abusive af. So I really want physical discipline off the table. Been beat with most things you could imagine amd it causes a lot of resentment and more rebellion (or at least it did in my case.) All the other kids have generally been good.


   Amanda kinda sent up a red flag yesterday. She was using my computer and I left my email open and she saw I sent a picture to my email from my phone a few days ago. She is also aware that I send porn to my computer that way as well. After she got upset and was really shitty with me all day I asked her why and she asked if she could open my emails, to which I said no. Sorry, but people shouldn't go through each others shit IMO. If you don't trust me, leave me. But anyway, I told her they were just pics of her after she became more upset. "I haven't sent you any nudes recently" I seriously had to show her that on those dates she did in fact send me nudes and I showed her I did send them to my email. She said she was embarrassed and apologized extensively. But it reminded me of old relationships where the other person was like that. Letting it slide before is probably the reason today why I don't have many friends who are girls anymore. It scares me that this will escalate into, like before: Me not being allowed to have friends who are girls. Only time can really tell I suppose.


   I only kept the drinking promise I made on my last post for about a week. Drank almost everyday this week. Got started yesterday early and popped about 6-7 valium and was out by 11. Between that and drinking with one of my best friends the day before that I at least don't feel exhausted right now.


   My car is still dead, can't afford to even figure out what is wrong with it. So last Friday I asked for a raise. And got one. 1.50 and five personal days, paid. It's something. Though I want to get back into school soon. I really don't want to do what I do now for the rest of my life. But I guess I make enough money here and its not bad work really. I felt extremely depressed this last week til about friday. Now I feel a little better but still have this hollowing need to just lay in a spot all day and do nothing.

For Character Background! (or) How I got here to this day; 3/25/17 a short history.

   If you want to know most of my story (whenever it is up) you can read that under the menu item "my back story." For now I will go back about two years ago around February 2015

   At the time I was living on a large cattle farm. We also had pigs and a few goats and like 20 wild cats and four dogs. Living in this house there was; my partner Sara, her mom Leann, her stepdad Sean, our son and our daughter, then myself of course. Oh we also had four ponies and two donkeys!

   So to be honest and to the point her parents had a shitty marriage. He would verbally abuse her constantly and trash talk her about all the chores she did around the house when he did none. He was an alcoholic and generally not pleasant to be around. Very full of hate etc.

   I moved into the farm in August of 2013 when Sara and I had our second child, a baby girl. At this point Sara and I had been together for 5 years. I wont lie, at first when I moved in everything was going fairly well. I got along with all the other humans and everyone liked me a lot. But of course any time there is that many people in one house people are gonna get on each others nerves and piss one another off.

   Before I continue I'd like to note that cow farming. Is. Fucking. Hard. Work. Specially if you have a job on top of that.

   Now we fast forward to the good stuff, lots of random days where good and bad everyday stuff happens. Then on 02/08/15 an event that changed my life forever happened. My drunk (thought was going to be step-dad in-law) house mate threw myself and my family out of his house. He had lost his job a year before and it was only his wife and I paying the mortgage and bills. But to keep it short Sean was drunk one night after being a POS to his wife and I hear him start in on me how I don't do shit. So I marched up stairs and told him how much debt we were all in and explained if he worked a full time minimum wage job we could be okay. Also told him he is a shit husband and he should worship his wife for all she does for him. He took this as an insult and through all of us out (my partner and two kids) we stayed in a hotel for a few days and even had my son's birthday in the hotel.
But like many things there was a silver lining as it pushed me to buy a house (which I'm still living in.)

   We moved into the house 3/9/15. Nothing fancy, manufactured home. 3bed 2 bath, huge living room/kitchen area.

Forward a few months:

   My partner lied to me for 6 months saying she was not pregnant when she was,,, So when her water broke one night, I dropped her off at the hospital and took my kids to my parents. By the time I got back to the hospital she already had started filling out paper work for adoption. SInce we aren't rich and I couldn't just go buy baby shit while she was maintaining she wasn't pregnant. This ripped me apart. It only took two days to sign over the child. Ive never cried so much in my fucking life. It was so hard. We got to meet the parents and to this day they still e-mail me pictures an we talk a little here and there.

   After this she becomes more into me and tells me how lucky she is that I was so understanding and nice about the baby being put up for adoption. I've always support her decisions even if I didn't like them or if they were things I didn't want because I had been taught that that is what love is. On the inside I resented her for lying about being pregnant. I knew she only lied because if she admitted she was pregnant then she would have been admitting she lied to me about being on birth control. We slowly drifted apart as I wondered what else she was probably lying about.

    In February of 2016 my co-parent/partner had a concussion. Well she was acting weird and her mom took her to the hospital. Well we shared a computer that I never got on but I wanted to save some pictures from fb to my computer. She had left her different messengers open (skype, kik various emails) and she was cheating on me with quite a few guys and some internet people. She was lying to all of them saying she was single and going to college etc. So when she is better I confront her and she breaks down and gives me the literal on her knees apology. I say Okay one more chance and I'm gone if this happens again. She is super sweet all weekend. Now, she did not work, she was a stay at home mom (though by the amount of chatting and intimate/sexual shit there was, there is no way she was parenting). I come home from work on the next Monday (she made the knee apology that very Friday!) her E-mail is open and there are multiple people again, she is setting up to bang them etc. So I'm more then crushed. We ha been together 8 years. She never worked or help clean or teach the kids anything. I let her talk me into not leaving right away and that was my fault. I should have left. Of course I take her back after she begs and pleads and vows to quit even going online if it will convince me she needs me... blah blah blah. 3/18/16; I just go look this time, because of course. she stayed off the internet for maybe two days. Back to 3/18/16 I find she is only talking to three people now but one is really close and their relationship and conversation is way too intimate. He has a wife and was like talking shit about his autistic step kids. My partners is like agreeing with him and blaming his wife for needing to take care of their kids. So that was the last straw and I told her I would stay one year so she could start school and get a job and start paying for her own stuff. I officially break up with her and we split rooms.

Fast forward to August 2016:

   She didn't get my son registered for school on time even though I did all the leg work and all she had to do is drive two blocks to get him registered (I work the hours that the school was open or I would have just done it myself.) This was the second year in a row she didn't get him registered. So naturally when I find out she lied to me about having him registered this school year I fucking lost it. You're fucking up our kids life for people who don't even know your real age. And she kept ignoring me so I started to yell and kicked her out and so in August of 2016 we officially were no longer together in any capacity.

   It did not take me long to move on, a little under a month. Not because I'm savage or anything. I just had felt alone for a very log time so Sara moving out seemed more of a formality then anything else. I met this girl who lives about 30 minutes away. She was younger than me but was very mature and we clicked very well at first. We were never "together" but would sleep together and talked everyday all day. Eventually unfortunately She changed her mind on what she wanted and told me she as getting too close to me and that she was afraid of how much she liked me. So she broke up with me unfortunately (even though we were not together) and so we quit seeing each other and are just friends. We still talk to the day that I'm writing this. Pretty much everyday and we are really good friends. We tell each other we love each other platonically.

   I had pretty much focused on her and the kids since I split with Sara completely and it is as though in December I suddenly realized what had happened. I felt deeply inadequate (still do,) depression. I felt and still do feel as though no one will ever truly love me and that maybe it is better to just be alone. Lucky for me and not something everyone has: My friends are amazing people who pull me out of depression when it gets out of hand. My sister is another person who saves me a lot and has literally saved my life. Ive struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts most of my life but for the longest time it was as though they disappeared but a couple years ago they started coming back.

   Here in the last few months Ive really been trying to get it back together on my own and get back out and get dating again. Ive lost 40lbs in the last 6 months and am at my target weight so I have to get new goals. I've been on a couple of dates in the last few months and have been talking to a few girls but nothing has worked out yet. I even joined a dating site! Which is crazy and I hate it. It is like window shopping humans for romance... How does that even work? Anyway, none of it has gone well.

   My son is doing well in school, my daughter is smarter than me already and I'm starting to do okay at life I think. That's why I'm willing to start this blog now. I think I can write about my life without it causing me a break down and I hope it can help whoever is reading it in anyway possible. I spend most of my time talking to my friends on the internet or looking at and making different kinds of art. I have no current love interest and I get my kids on the weekends and Wednesdays. I still get along with Sara and we still talk. I'm not gonna make my life more difficult for no reason. It's easier for me to be friendly.

   That is a quick catch-up to where I am in my life right now. Thank you for reading and I will attempt to write often to keep it interesting.