10/14/18 Lots of New Changes... Again.

   My parents moved out. About a week ago. Was nice to get to spend time with them. My father and I had a few heartfelt conversations and I think he is finally starting to get it. I can mostly get along with my dad now, I believe. Because I'm just old enough to not give a fuck. I just speak to him honestly and criticize him and what he did to his children growing up. You see. My dad is a lot of a bit; a narcissist. He never sees how exactly things happen. In his mind he has never done any wrong and has attacked my sister and I for feeling like he could have done a better job. He thinks too many people blame their bad habits or coping mechanism on their upbringing. But I'm just saying: Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you turn out. And my dad let us see and go through some fucked up shit as kids. Spent most my young life playing outside or stuck in my room because no one could stop doing dope long enough that the kids were allowed to watch tv etc. Jackie (my first step mother) was at least nice enough to by us kids a game consul and move the tv into our room (my sister and I shared a room til I was about 11.)


   I had a bit of a spat with Jorden, Amanda's 14 y/o son. He keeps stealing shit from our room and his sisters room and looks at me like he wants to fight me or some shit. He is so disrespectful to his mom. My real mom and my first step mom would have knocked the fuck out of me for the way he acts. Doesn't clean his room when told to do so. It took him three weeks to clean his room after Amanda found old moldy food under his bed. He really does stretch my patience but I feel bad for Amanda because there isn't much she can do. He is bi-polar and has seizures, depression, anxiety ADD, authority defiant disorder. I've been in literal tears because I feel so helpless in the situation. I try to give him advice best I can and I just really really try to stay calm when he is freaking out but sometimes its hard. My first step mom and my dad (while in differing ways) were both abusive af. So I really want physical discipline off the table. Been beat with most things you could imagine amd it causes a lot of resentment and more rebellion (or at least it did in my case.) All the other kids have generally been good.


   Amanda kinda sent up a red flag yesterday. She was using my computer and I left my email open and she saw I sent a picture to my email from my phone a few days ago. She is also aware that I send porn to my computer that way as well. After she got upset and was really shitty with me all day I asked her why and she asked if she could open my emails, to which I said no. Sorry, but people shouldn't go through each others shit IMO. If you don't trust me, leave me. But anyway, I told her they were just pics of her after she became more upset. "I haven't sent you any nudes recently" I seriously had to show her that on those dates she did in fact send me nudes and I showed her I did send them to my email. She said she was embarrassed and apologized extensively. But it reminded me of old relationships where the other person was like that. Letting it slide before is probably the reason today why I don't have many friends who are girls anymore. It scares me that this will escalate into, like before: Me not being allowed to have friends who are girls. Only time can really tell I suppose.


   I only kept the drinking promise I made on my last post for about a week. Drank almost everyday this week. Got started yesterday early and popped about 6-7 valium and was out by 11. Between that and drinking with one of my best friends the day before that I at least don't feel exhausted right now.


   My car is still dead, can't afford to even figure out what is wrong with it. So last Friday I asked for a raise. And got one. 1.50 and five personal days, paid. It's something. Though I want to get back into school soon. I really don't want to do what I do now for the rest of my life. But I guess I make enough money here and its not bad work really. I felt extremely depressed this last week til about friday. Now I feel a little better but still have this hollowing need to just lay in a spot all day and do nothing.

9/27/18

   Been a crazy week or two. Where to start? Well my parents had to move in with me two weeks ago so that kinda sidetracked the rest of life. Apparently the electric company came to clean a tree limb off the lines and somehow that was my parents doing and reported them to the city. Well turns out through some technicality something else was actually wrong (though not my parents fault) and would cost multiple thousands of dollars to fix. So essentially there was no running water and now no electricity. There was already not central air or heat but now it is unlivable. So they moved in with me.


   It has gone fairly well so far tbh. The way the place I live is set up to be like two separate areas. So we don't really get into each others way.


   I've kinda got back on the wagon and pretty much drank a week strait. Quite a bit. But I've been sick since Saturday (6 days) so haven't drank since Sunday. lol. I'm gonna set a goal next week for only one or two days of drinking and one has to be moderate. Like no more than 6 drinks. I think that is fair.


   My car broke down three weeks ago. Just died. While it was driving. Lost power to all brakes and steering. My partner dragged my ass home with wrench straps. Replaced the fuel injector. Turned right on and ran for about four mins and just quit. Fuck. So we have to run full diagnosis but... it doesn't move or steer. Might have to sell it. I miss having a car. It's driving me mad.


   Missed 2.5 days this week @ work just from being ill. Boss tried to make me feel bad for leaving Monday but seriously I'm miserable and they don't pay me enough to be there and that miserable. I went back today, sucked but I survived.


   I'm getting fatter again I'm afraid, I got all the way down to like 190 and now I'm back to 220. I did get all the way back to 229. Being in a relationship is apparently hungry work because I also go up in weight when I'm in one. But I absolutely can not stand the way I look rn. Which is hard because my partner is very supportive but in reality... just look at me. I'm medically over weight.


   I also learned that my favorite band won't be anywhere near me when they tour. Closest is five hours and I drove that back in February to see another of my favorite bands. Oh also I don't have the money lol. So that part too.


   Everything as far as I can tell between my partner and I are going amazingly. At the end of october we will be together (defacto) for a whole year. I feel so in love with her that at times it make me think 'am I pathetic?' just because of how often I think of her when she is not around. I believe she is also still my best friend.


   An unnamed poem I wrote dated 6/18/18:


   Touch the sun, burning our hands, the children cry but they don't understand.