So like I said; my writing is sporadic. What Sara did that day to royally ruin my fucking day was this: She had came over the night before and we sat and talked and it was nice and she had asked if she could use the car the next day if she took me to work. Trying to be nice to the mother of my kids, I let her take the car... She makes a HUGE POINT "be ready AT 7:15am no later." Next morning; 715 comes... "okay, who knows? maybe the kids are giving her a hard time" I call her at 720 no answer. I called her again at 725... no answer... I had to walk over to her house and knock on her door to wake her up... then she didn't even need the car. She just handed me the keys. She texted me when she woke up to apologize. Turns out I had to be yelled at by my boss for being late af, walk in the cold to get my car and all cause she stayed up til 4am drinking and playing an online game for kids... This is the perfect metaphor and a literal artistic translations of Sara and I's relationship. I'm too big of a fucking push over. Never let someone who is abusive stay in your life. Not even at a distance because they will still find a way. They will hurt you again. But me being who I am. She came over this past Friday and I slept with her as soon as she batted her eyes at me. WHY? Why can I not stop?
Anyway, since Friday when I slept with her I have pretty much felt empty and void as a whole. Finally got a new co-worker who started 4/6/17 she is working out great so far, I hope she stays she seems really nice. She learns quick and that makes my life a bit easier. The weekend with the kids went really well as always and last night when I got them we played zombies all night lol.
Today I've felt quite suicidal and hopeless in general. Last night I was listening to this song I've never heard and it brought up a lot of feelings from when I found out and was reading about Sara cheating on me. Made me feel empty and unwanted. Then I noticed the only girls who talk to me do so sexually and nothing more. They don't want me, don't care about me and could replace me without hesitation. My dad has become delusional to the point he believes he may be some kind of prophet. He won't say that but the way he talks is like a bible verse. My mom is utter depressed because of my dad and because grandma has been having chest pains. One of my few best friends is like manically depressed. He admitted to me on the phone last night he is still destroyed over his divorce that happened almost three years ago and he wants to die. Everyone is fucking depressed. Like all the people I care about are either going crazy or are depressed af.
I'm going to go get drunk and try and not think about all the shit I just wrote about. I know it's not healthy but I can't afford counseling. Be safe everyone!
I'll leave you with two short poems I wrote today;
"I can't even tell who's blood this is anymore."
"I said I loved you and that was sincere. Because of you, love is the only thing I fear."
Anyway, since Friday when I slept with her I have pretty much felt empty and void as a whole. Finally got a new co-worker who started 4/6/17 she is working out great so far, I hope she stays she seems really nice. She learns quick and that makes my life a bit easier. The weekend with the kids went really well as always and last night when I got them we played zombies all night lol.
Today I've felt quite suicidal and hopeless in general. Last night I was listening to this song I've never heard and it brought up a lot of feelings from when I found out and was reading about Sara cheating on me. Made me feel empty and unwanted. Then I noticed the only girls who talk to me do so sexually and nothing more. They don't want me, don't care about me and could replace me without hesitation. My dad has become delusional to the point he believes he may be some kind of prophet. He won't say that but the way he talks is like a bible verse. My mom is utter depressed because of my dad and because grandma has been having chest pains. One of my few best friends is like manically depressed. He admitted to me on the phone last night he is still destroyed over his divorce that happened almost three years ago and he wants to die. Everyone is fucking depressed. Like all the people I care about are either going crazy or are depressed af.
I'm going to go get drunk and try and not think about all the shit I just wrote about. I know it's not healthy but I can't afford counseling. Be safe everyone!
I'll leave you with two short poems I wrote today;
"I can't even tell who's blood this is anymore."
"I said I loved you and that was sincere. Because of you, love is the only thing I fear."
