05/09/17 This crush thing...

   SO, last night I went out with Bobbie and Amanda and their kids to laser tag. We played two rounds and while I got my ass kicked the first round, the second round I kicked ass and was in the top three. That was a lot of fun. Talked to my crush a lot yesterday even in between the laser tag games. We have been pretty flirty and are going to hang out her next day off. When I woke up this morning she had already texted me "good morning" and wished me a good day etc. There is a part of me that is hesitant but it is also true that I'm starting to actually like her as a person. Either she is very sweet or one hell of a player. Either way, I'm into it.

   New co-worker is going well still she is laid back and seems very nice.

   Didn't drink for two days! woo.

   

5/7/17

   So, It has been about a month since I have posted anything. Mostly due to the fact I've kinda had a mental breakdown and got very depressed. I was worried writing about it would make things worse in my head. I've thought about suicide a lot in this past month. I've been dwelling on my past, how I have hurt people and the other way around. How easily disposable I am to so many others. On 5/3/17-5/4/17 I just wept for 15 hours strait wishing everything would fucking stop. I've also not been writing, doing art or playing music. I've just been drinking every night. its dumb but it is the only thing that can stop my thoughts sometimes. As a type of temporary "off" button.  I've slowed way the fuck down on taking pills. My doctor even noted I was two week late on filling my med and I told her it is because I am trying to control my anxiety by myself.

   Of course that is not something I'd ever suggest. I know I have kids as a safety net. I won't kill myself because they need me and I want to be there for them. So if you don't have a safety net never try such things.

   Sara asked me out back around 4/15 or so and that sent me into a deep spiral. She then asked me out again 5/5/17. Again I politely declined such an offer. "I think we can reconcile what I did." all I could say is "only time will tell." But that was a lie because there is no way to reconcile. Best to keep things civil though so I think this is smartest for now.

  In the dating news; I made a post on fb mentioning how I was trying to tell my best friend who I had a crush on and he guessed it thus ruining my spiel. Well the girl I have a crush on writes on my post "I bet I can guess! but if I'm right you owe me a cookie." of course I accept this challenge. She guesses Amanda lol. "no, I figured out of all people you'd know who it is. since it is you after all." She just replies; "well I'll be damned, that's convenient because I already like you." however we work polar opposite schedules and she actually has two jobs so we have only been able to hang out very little. But it was good. She is a very sweet person, she is way more cute than I so I'm confused there but what can I say? All I really want with her rn is to be good to each other, be there for each other and anything else that happens is just a plus I guess. I'd lie to say I didn't miss feeling wanted by someone.

   Work has been obnoxiously hard af because I've had to train two new workers this month because one started with us and left for a different job in 1 and a half week. New person seems really happy and on the ball so that's exciting. She is really good already so that is promising at least.

   To end on a high note with this post: I think my daughter is finally house broken! oh, I mean potty trained. Three days no potty in her diaper!!!

4/6/17

   So like I said; my writing is sporadic. What Sara did that day to royally ruin my fucking day was this: She had came over the night before and we sat and talked and it was nice and she had asked if she could use the car the next day if she took me to work. Trying to be nice to the mother of my kids, I let her take the car... She makes a HUGE POINT "be ready AT 7:15am  no later." Next morning; 715 comes... "okay, who knows? maybe the kids are giving her a hard time" I call her at 720 no answer. I called her again at 725... no answer... I had to walk over to her house and knock on her door to wake her up... then she didn't even need the car. She just handed me the keys. She texted me when she woke up to apologize. Turns out I had to be yelled at by my boss for being late af, walk in the cold to get my car and all cause she stayed up til 4am drinking and playing an online game for kids... This is the perfect metaphor and a literal artistic translations of Sara and I's relationship. I'm too big of a fucking push over. Never let someone who is abusive stay in your life. Not even at a distance because they will still find a way.  They will hurt you again. But me being who I am. She came over this past Friday and I slept with her as soon as she batted her eyes at me. WHY? Why can I not stop?

   Anyway, since Friday when I slept with her I have pretty much felt empty and void as a whole. Finally got a new co-worker who started 4/6/17 she is working out great so far, I hope she stays she seems really nice. She learns quick and that makes my life a bit easier.  The weekend with the kids went really well as always and last night when I got them we played zombies all night lol.

   Today I've felt quite suicidal and hopeless in general. Last night I was listening to this song I've never heard and it brought up a lot of feelings from when I found out and was reading about Sara cheating on me. Made me feel empty and unwanted. Then I noticed the only girls who talk to me do so sexually and nothing more. They don't want me, don't care about me and could replace me without hesitation. My dad has become delusional to the point he believes he may be some kind of prophet. He won't say that but the way he talks is like a bible verse. My mom is utter depressed because of my dad and because grandma has been having chest pains. One of my few best friends is like manically depressed. He admitted to me on the phone last night he is still destroyed over his divorce that happened almost three years ago and he wants to die. Everyone is fucking depressed. Like all the people I care about are either going crazy or are depressed af.

   I'm going to go get drunk and try and not think about all the shit I just wrote about. I know it's not healthy but I can't afford counseling. Be safe everyone!

   I'll leave you with two short poems I wrote today;

"I can't even tell who's blood this is anymore."

"I said I loved you and that was sincere. Because of you, love is the only thing I fear."

3/29/17 busy, busy and more busy.

   What a week already, Wednesday night and I'm already tired like it is Friday clean up time. My co-worker had her husband call in on Sunday night and say she would not be in to work. So it has just been me, running the office by myself. Which I can handle and have done before. But as a medical worker the longer you go the more things pile up and people are not forgiving. I have to answer all the phone calls that come in and at this point I am just fucking exhausted. My office manager may as well not even be there she is so disconnected from the office that she can't talk to any patients with out becoming upset and flying off the handles. Sometimes I think we need a designated "dark place where we workers can cry in peace." in every doctors office. BUT! I only have to survive two more days. And? This is perfect for job security so I try to look like its not too hard. Anyway, I'm enjoying every second off this week.

   It's Wednesday, so naturally I had the kids. We went over to Bobbies and of course my daughter worships his, because his daughter is 10 and mine is almost 4. Lucky his daughter thinks mine is adorable so they "play together" and so she really enjoys it. My son ofc is my son so he played video games with Amanda's son. He really likes Jorden and gets along with him very well which is rare for my son. He is way nicer to Jorden every since he seen him have a seizure. I hope that means my son is becoming a good person. On the way home after he saw Jorden have a seizure for the first time he asked me; "dad? I didn't know humans could do that. I didn't know if he was going to die." *mind you my son is 6 at this time* I explained to him in medical terms what had happened and that we don't know why it has to certain people but with some humans it just does. You could see my answer didn't satisfy him, like the answer wasn't fair. He was right and I had no clue what to respond to him. Oop's, sorry for going off topic, I should warn you now, I tend to wander when I write and tend to bring up recollections etc. Anyway, My daughter Played with Amanda's corn snake! You could tell she was a touch uncomfortable with it. But being the though person she is she held it and gave it kisses lol. She really is something else. I love that snake too. It knows me now and always crawls into my hoodie pocket.

   I'm just having a smoke, finished watching always sunny. Now I have to figure out which show to binge watch next. I finished playing walking dead s2 last night. That game is amazing and if you've never played either get both. Season two won't be as good or as deep if you don't play season one. I'm really too exhausted to write too much more and nothing really crazy has happened. I go to get my taxes done tomorrow... yay, not. I for some reason don't feel very lonely or depressed. OH Sara did something rude af Tuesday morning but I'll try and remember to write about that in the next post. I'm too tired to write more rn,     

For Character Background! (or) How I got here to this day; 3/25/17 a short history.

   If you want to know most of my story (whenever it is up) you can read that under the menu item "my back story." For now I will go back about two years ago around February 2015

   At the time I was living on a large cattle farm. We also had pigs and a few goats and like 20 wild cats and four dogs. Living in this house there was; my partner Sara, her mom Leann, her stepdad Sean, our son and our daughter, then myself of course. Oh we also had four ponies and two donkeys!

   So to be honest and to the point her parents had a shitty marriage. He would verbally abuse her constantly and trash talk her about all the chores she did around the house when he did none. He was an alcoholic and generally not pleasant to be around. Very full of hate etc.

   I moved into the farm in August of 2013 when Sara and I had our second child, a baby girl. At this point Sara and I had been together for 5 years. I wont lie, at first when I moved in everything was going fairly well. I got along with all the other humans and everyone liked me a lot. But of course any time there is that many people in one house people are gonna get on each others nerves and piss one another off.

   Before I continue I'd like to note that cow farming. Is. Fucking. Hard. Work. Specially if you have a job on top of that.

   Now we fast forward to the good stuff, lots of random days where good and bad everyday stuff happens. Then on 02/08/15 an event that changed my life forever happened. My drunk (thought was going to be step-dad in-law) house mate threw myself and my family out of his house. He had lost his job a year before and it was only his wife and I paying the mortgage and bills. But to keep it short Sean was drunk one night after being a POS to his wife and I hear him start in on me how I don't do shit. So I marched up stairs and told him how much debt we were all in and explained if he worked a full time minimum wage job we could be okay. Also told him he is a shit husband and he should worship his wife for all she does for him. He took this as an insult and through all of us out (my partner and two kids) we stayed in a hotel for a few days and even had my son's birthday in the hotel.
But like many things there was a silver lining as it pushed me to buy a house (which I'm still living in.)

   We moved into the house 3/9/15. Nothing fancy, manufactured home. 3bed 2 bath, huge living room/kitchen area.

Forward a few months:

   My partner lied to me for 6 months saying she was not pregnant when she was,,, So when her water broke one night, I dropped her off at the hospital and took my kids to my parents. By the time I got back to the hospital she already had started filling out paper work for adoption. SInce we aren't rich and I couldn't just go buy baby shit while she was maintaining she wasn't pregnant. This ripped me apart. It only took two days to sign over the child. Ive never cried so much in my fucking life. It was so hard. We got to meet the parents and to this day they still e-mail me pictures an we talk a little here and there.

   After this she becomes more into me and tells me how lucky she is that I was so understanding and nice about the baby being put up for adoption. I've always support her decisions even if I didn't like them or if they were things I didn't want because I had been taught that that is what love is. On the inside I resented her for lying about being pregnant. I knew she only lied because if she admitted she was pregnant then she would have been admitting she lied to me about being on birth control. We slowly drifted apart as I wondered what else she was probably lying about.

    In February of 2016 my co-parent/partner had a concussion. Well she was acting weird and her mom took her to the hospital. Well we shared a computer that I never got on but I wanted to save some pictures from fb to my computer. She had left her different messengers open (skype, kik various emails) and she was cheating on me with quite a few guys and some internet people. She was lying to all of them saying she was single and going to college etc. So when she is better I confront her and she breaks down and gives me the literal on her knees apology. I say Okay one more chance and I'm gone if this happens again. She is super sweet all weekend. Now, she did not work, she was a stay at home mom (though by the amount of chatting and intimate/sexual shit there was, there is no way she was parenting). I come home from work on the next Monday (she made the knee apology that very Friday!) her E-mail is open and there are multiple people again, she is setting up to bang them etc. So I'm more then crushed. We ha been together 8 years. She never worked or help clean or teach the kids anything. I let her talk me into not leaving right away and that was my fault. I should have left. Of course I take her back after she begs and pleads and vows to quit even going online if it will convince me she needs me... blah blah blah. 3/18/16; I just go look this time, because of course. she stayed off the internet for maybe two days. Back to 3/18/16 I find she is only talking to three people now but one is really close and their relationship and conversation is way too intimate. He has a wife and was like talking shit about his autistic step kids. My partners is like agreeing with him and blaming his wife for needing to take care of their kids. So that was the last straw and I told her I would stay one year so she could start school and get a job and start paying for her own stuff. I officially break up with her and we split rooms.

Fast forward to August 2016:

   She didn't get my son registered for school on time even though I did all the leg work and all she had to do is drive two blocks to get him registered (I work the hours that the school was open or I would have just done it myself.) This was the second year in a row she didn't get him registered. So naturally when I find out she lied to me about having him registered this school year I fucking lost it. You're fucking up our kids life for people who don't even know your real age. And she kept ignoring me so I started to yell and kicked her out and so in August of 2016 we officially were no longer together in any capacity.

   It did not take me long to move on, a little under a month. Not because I'm savage or anything. I just had felt alone for a very log time so Sara moving out seemed more of a formality then anything else. I met this girl who lives about 30 minutes away. She was younger than me but was very mature and we clicked very well at first. We were never "together" but would sleep together and talked everyday all day. Eventually unfortunately She changed her mind on what she wanted and told me she as getting too close to me and that she was afraid of how much she liked me. So she broke up with me unfortunately (even though we were not together) and so we quit seeing each other and are just friends. We still talk to the day that I'm writing this. Pretty much everyday and we are really good friends. We tell each other we love each other platonically.

   I had pretty much focused on her and the kids since I split with Sara completely and it is as though in December I suddenly realized what had happened. I felt deeply inadequate (still do,) depression. I felt and still do feel as though no one will ever truly love me and that maybe it is better to just be alone. Lucky for me and not something everyone has: My friends are amazing people who pull me out of depression when it gets out of hand. My sister is another person who saves me a lot and has literally saved my life. Ive struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts most of my life but for the longest time it was as though they disappeared but a couple years ago they started coming back.

   Here in the last few months Ive really been trying to get it back together on my own and get back out and get dating again. Ive lost 40lbs in the last 6 months and am at my target weight so I have to get new goals. I've been on a couple of dates in the last few months and have been talking to a few girls but nothing has worked out yet. I even joined a dating site! Which is crazy and I hate it. It is like window shopping humans for romance... How does that even work? Anyway, none of it has gone well.

   My son is doing well in school, my daughter is smarter than me already and I'm starting to do okay at life I think. That's why I'm willing to start this blog now. I think I can write about my life without it causing me a break down and I hope it can help whoever is reading it in anyway possible. I spend most of my time talking to my friends on the internet or looking at and making different kinds of art. I have no current love interest and I get my kids on the weekends and Wednesdays. I still get along with Sara and we still talk. I'm not gonna make my life more difficult for no reason. It's easier for me to be friendly.

   That is a quick catch-up to where I am in my life right now. Thank you for reading and I will attempt to write often to keep it interesting.